So Very Thankful

As I sit here thinking about this week and how blessed I am, I can't help but say "thank you God."  It has been a great week in our home.  My parents were in town the first part of the week and we had a wonderful time with them.  The boys always love to visit with Nana and Papa.  We had an early Thanksgiving dinner with them and just enjoyed our time together.  We spent Thanksgiving day with my inlaws, eating delicious food and visiting with family.  We have been surrounded by love, and though we are loved by them all the time, it's nice to get together to celebrate family.  We all had a great time.  The boys were invited to spend the night with their Gran and Grandaddy so I could go shopping on Black Friday.  They were thrilled and I was too!

First, I will say that I find it ironic that Black Friday comes just after Thanksgiving.  The day we give thanks for what we have in our lives followed by a day that is all to often highlighted by greed and materialism.  Capitalism at it's best (?) bringing out humanity at its worst? Seems a bit like it. Kind of like how Fat Tuesday and Ash Wednesday are together. Just in reverse order.  It is kind of ironic. I will admit I was out and about.  I love a good deal and could get a few items marked off my list for Christmas.  I am on a budget and want to stretch my money if possible.  But....I will not fight over a vacuum, or a toaster oven, or even a big screen television.  Believe it or not, I went to Walmart last night at 8p.m. for boys pajamas and slippers.  Yes.  That is all.  Luke saw some he liked in the sale paper with Spiderman on them.  And he loved the slippers that matched.  At 7:30 that evening, I was sitting on the sofa telling Roger I really didn't want to go to Walmart.  Then I kept thinking of his sweet face when he opened those cool pj's and slippers on Christmas.  Ugh! Then I decided to go.  Roger kindly encouraged me and said "That is a mother's love for her children" as he dozed off on the couch.   Double ugh! So I went out.  Already tired and terribly naive.  I would just go and pick them up and be back home in no time.  I was quickly reminded of why I don't shop Walmart's Black Friday deals.  Really....Just go get pj's and slippers and get home.  I knew people hovered over the electronics and even over the small appliances, but Spiderman pj's? When the clock hit 8:00, it was every man for himself ( or woman or insane individual).  I felt a little like an observer looking in on a mob scene.  The paper covering the pallet of pajamas was ripped, arms began to fly (and grab and throw), then pj's were everywhere.  It was madness.  Almost like watching something in slow motion. Somewhere, I am sure I heard "It's the most wonderful time of the year" playing.  Surprisingly, as I came out of my delusional state, I found the Super Mario and Spiderman pj's I needed.  But where were the $3 slippers that matched?  I figured I might as well try to find them.  I asked every worker in a yellow vest that I saw.  No one knew where they were.  Finally, I saw some slippers in a ladies cart and I asked her.  She pointed me in the general direction, somewhere close to the frozen food section.  Seriously? By the time I got through the crowd, no slippers were to be found.  Makes sense, right? Next time I will know, slippers = frozen food section.  Of course.  Why would they even be near the matching pajamas?  Oh well.  I tried.  I was ready to go home. While standing in line, I overheard someone talking about the fist fight that broke out  between two women over a set of sheets.  Again, seriously? Weren't we all giving thanks a little earlier that same day and now it is a slug-fest over sheets?

I don't remember the whole Black Friday thing being like this when I was growing up.  I don't remember stores being open for these kind of sales on Thanksgiving either.  I loved going out with my family the day after thanksgiving.  There was a store in Birmingham called Pizitz and they always had the best Christmas display.  My parents would take my brother and I there to see the pretty Christmas decorations then we would go eat as a family.  If we saw something on sale that we could use, we got it.  We did not fight over it though. There were crowds and it was busy but it wasn't like it is now. We just enjoyed being together.  I loved it.  We made memories - good ones.  Not ones like "remember the time mom took down that little old lady over a blender? What a deal!"  Yes. I was in the crazy crowd, even again this morning (not at Walmart though!) and I did get a few things accomplished and saved some money.  But I missed some things on my list too and that was ok.  It is just stuff.

What I am thankful for in my life cannot be bought.  Most of all, I am thankful for Christ who, despite my sinful heart, died on the cross for me, paid a debt I could never pay and whose blood covers my sin.  He saved me.  God blessed me with a family that I don't deserve.  They love me like crazy and I love them to the moon and back. Roger has shown me love that overwhelms me and God has given us two beautiful boys that fill our lives with joy.  God has taught us so much through our children.  They are incredibly unique and they challenge us.  I have said often that being a mom is the most rewarding and most difficult job I have ever had.  With the very different challenges that we face with Nathan and Luke come the most amazing victories when they conquer even the smallest of obstacles.  We rejoice in it all because God is using all of these circumstances to grow them into the young men He wants them to be.  As I write this tonight, there are so many on my mind and in my heart that I am so grateful for - I cannot list them all. So I will just say that I am thankful this day for my life and so much more.

Tonight, I was talking to Nate at his bedside.  "You know I love you a lot."  Nate: "You mean, like the last number?" ( We have often wondered together what the biggest - last- number is.)  Me: "Yea. Like a gazillion."  Nate: "How about like a manillion ba-pa-dillion?"  Me: "Yea.  That too!"  I love him a manillion ba-pa-dillion plus one.

And as for Luke, I thank God for him, for his progress, for everything he is.  He speaks so much now and so much more clearly than this time last year. I don't know what is ahead for him but God does and I have so much hope.  I have learned so much about life, about myself and about love through him and autism. Just because he has autism doesn't mean it has him.  He sang "Jesus Loves Me" for our elderly neighbors this week - to my surprise.  I had to catch it on video.  Many who read this will have already seen it but I am posting it here just because I love it so much.  You can't make out all of the words but you know what he is singing and God hears each word. It is precious to me.

I am blessed beyond measure.  Thank you God.

A Really Great Week

When I first started this blog, it was with the idea of talking about our ups and downs with autism, and I have done that...some.  It seems more and more often I find myself talking about Nathan and life and how God is working in it all.  And,  I know I brag  a lot on my kids here and it may make you a little nauseous but, I am a mom.  It's what I do.  He is neat kiddo and loved more than the stars.  Luke and autism still gets plenty of attention and they still baffle us and amaze us and humble us.  But I have another post for Nathan.  He recently celebrated his 7th birthday on October 31 and the events on the days that surrounded his party couldn't have come at a better time.

Friday, October 26:  "Mom, I got the "team player" award from Ms. Neicy in PE today."  Those were the first words that came out of his mouth when he got int he car when I picked him up from school.  I don't know the events that led him to get that award that day or over the course of the week, but we have been talking about character and doing the right things, even if no one is looking.  Turns out he has been listening and was doing some good things and someone was looking.  He was so proud.

Saturday, October 27:  His 7th birthday party.  The day was all about him.  He had a Lego party and so many of his friends were able to be there to celebrate with him.  He had such a good time playing that he barely took a bite of his birthday cake.  He typically doesn't like a lot of attention, but for a little while, he didn't mind and just had fun.

Tuesday, October 30:  Awards at Chapel this morning.  He didn't know that he would be getting anything except a green rubber bracelet that would be given to all the kids who were participating in fundraising efforts toward the new building and "Feed the Need" event.  The first and second graders were together in the church for this particular chapel and parents were invited to attend so of course, I was there.  The green bracelets were given out and he thought that was pretty cool.  It would have been enough but there was more... The very first thing Mr. Currie, the principal, did was call Nathan up to the front and all the kids sang happy birthday to him. It was great! I just prayed that he wouldn't pass out. Mr. Currie said the most powerful and precious prayer over him.  I wish I would have videoed it just so I could hear it again.  He thanked God for Nathan's quiet spirit and asked God to work in his life.  It was so special.  Then, just was soon as he was seated, he was called back up, along with another classmate, to receive a Phonics award for having a 100 average.  Then, a little later, he was called back up with a few others, to be recognized for perfect attendance for the first quarter.  I was so proud of him.  It was a good morning.

Wednesday, October 31:  His actual birthday.  Some celebrate Halloween.  We have never been too much in to that.  Some recognize Reformation Day.  We absolutely love that.  But, our reason to celebrate is the miracle that came into our lives that day.  Nathan was such a gift then and still is...kind of like the gift that keeps on giving.  He enjoyed his day very much.  He took little goodie bags to school for his friends and I brought cupcakes for him to share with them at snack time to celebrate.  All his friends told him "Happy Birthday."  Then, that evening, we went to AWANA at church.  It happened to be the night that they awarded clubber of the month...he won!  He was surprised.  It was a pretty special day.

Thursday, November 1:  He had his very first basketball practice and he was really excited about it.   He loves basketball.  Nothing big but still another great thing in his week.

Saturday, November 3:  The Wells Fargo Senior Bowl Charity Run in downtown Mobile was that morning.  The race is a big one. Thousands of people come out to do the 10K, 5K, or fun run.  My husband did the 10 K, I did the 5 K and we all did the fun run.  He has been in a few other fun runs this year, but this was, by far, the biggest.  It was a more challenging run because of all the people that you had to navigate through but he did it, ran the entire mile and got his ribbon.  He was really proud of himself.  I was proud too!

(He really is happy...I promise!)

So, the events of this week were all kind of small by themselves, but when combined, they make for a pretty great week to a 7 year old.  It makes this momma happy too when I see each "small" thing give him a little boost of confidence that my quiet, introverted little guy needs.  He is such a blessing and it makes my heart so happy to see him do well and be recognized for it.  We are trying to teach him about doing well without expecting anything in return, but it is sure nice to see him get a few "pats on the back" and some "atta boys" from others besides my husband and myself.  It has been an exhausting, great week for us all.  Though, we are tired, we are so thankful to God for the excitement and the chance to celebrate it all with him.

Courage, Where are you?

This morning at breakfast, Nathan was especially tired.  He had his first running club meeting last night and he walked/ ran a total of 2 miles!  He did great but was pretty tired last night.  It took no time for him to fall asleep. I knew this morning might be tough.  He was slow to wake up but became very talkative and I could tell he had a lot on his mind.  During breakfast, he told me about his calendar at school that he should have finished Monday but he got behind, erased a lot, and didn't finish his work.  I encouraged him to talk to his teacher about it.  She is a very understanding woman and so kind.  Nathan really likes her and enjoys being in her class.  He told me, "Mom, I just don't have any courage this morning."  I knew he was tired but what he said stuck with me.  I continued to encourage him to talk to his teacher....She could help him....It would be okay.  It is hard to tell an introverted 6 year old that it will be okay and him get it. First grade can be kinda big and scary.  (Guess, it is sometimes hard to tell a "30 something" mom that it is going to be okay and her get it too.)

We talked about one of our favorite verses, Joshua 1:9 which states:  "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor dismayed,  for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  That became a key verse for us last year in kindergarten and still is this year.  On the way to school one morning, I had asked Nathan what he wanted to pray about for that day.  He told me that he wanted to pray that he would have courage. He was just 5 years old when he told me that.  It amazed me and broke my heart at the same time.  He already knew that this was something that was difficult for him and he could actually put it into words and tell me.  Since that time, we have repeated that verse more times than I can count.  I assured him that God is with him at school and that He will give him courage.

If you know us or have read my blog at all, you may already know that Nate is not the most outgoing kid and social situations can be hard for him.  I give him an A+ for effort though.  He played baseball this past spring and wants to play basketball this fall.  He is in the running club and is off to a great start.  He is trying by putting himself out there.  I am so proud of him for that.  My shy kid has always been very much the observer and he takes it all in.  When he gets home, he lets it all out.  I am always amazed to hear what comes out of his mouth.  He has such a sharp mind and a big heart.  He is an amazing little guy.  He has shown me courage in so many ways.  I just need to remind him of that more often.

I have been thinking about what he said, "I just don't have any courage this morning."  How many times have I felt that way but just didn't say it out loud?  There are things I have to do that I don't want to do and things I have to face that I don't want to face.  There have been plenty of situations that have taken me out of my comfort zone and have caused me to be nervous.  There will be plenty more ahead.  I need courage too.  How quickly I forget God's promises!  I need to be meditating on  Joshua 1:9 for myself as well.

I know we can have courage because God is with us wherever we go.  I firmly believe His promise.  Sometimes, I take that courage with me when I leave the house.  Other times, I find that courage is there waiting on me when I get where I am supposed to be.  I just hope that I can teach that to Nathan.  Praying that God will cultivate courage in his precious heart.  My sweet boy has so much to offer! I hope others will be able to see that as well.

I love this kiddo!

Two Years with Autism

August 23, 2012.  Two years already?   It has been two years since Luke was diagnosed with autism.  In so many ways it has been a blur.  I think that is why I have attempted this blogging thing.  So that when things happen, maybe I will have time to write them down.  There is always so much going on in my head, it is often hard to sort it all out.  Trying to even think about all that has happened this past year is a little overwhelming.  Maybe a lot overwhelming.  I took a look at the post I wrote last year about our first year with autism.  Here is the link if you would like to take a look:

http://donnabroome.blogspot.com/2011/08/our-first-year-with-autism.html

When I read it and then take a look at where he is now, really where we all are now, I am amazed.  I am hopeful.  I am thankful.  I will try to give a brief - haha- run down of our last year.

First,  Luke is talking!!  Praise God!  Now, not all of his words are intelligible, but so many are.  More than I can count!  He is saying two and three syllable words and talking in sentences.  When I picked him up from school yesterday, he told me "I ate all my strah-berries and my bell peffers."  I can't help but smile when I think about it.  I am in awe of his progress and I thank God that his words are coming out.  He is starting to express his own thoughts too.  What I mean by that is, he is no longer parroting my words back to me.  He told me Sunday in church, "I like dress" as he pointed to my dress.   He can say "I love you."  Most of the time I am the one saying it first but I have heard him tell me spontaneously when I least expect it.  It is always a welcome surprise!  We are working with him on phrasing questions as that is something he cannot do just yet.  He can say "I want ____" and we are encouraging him to ask instead: "May I have ___?"   Last year, it was a few word approximations.  Now this.  His communication skills have just skyrocketed which has helped with behavioral issues because he can better express himself.  Of course, he is still a 4 year old so there are still tantrums but I will take them over a meltdown any day.  I am so thankful for progress.

If you have read any of my blogs this past year that included Luke, you know that he is my social butterfly.  He has many friends that he interacts with at school and church.  Kids on the spectrum and typical kids.  He is engaged in what is happening around him.  He participates in class with the other kids.  He initiates play with others.  He makes eye contact and smiles a lot.  He says "hi" and "bye" and "thank you."  He raises his hand.  He answers questions.  He is part of the group.  Great thing is, he doesn't know that he is any different than anyone else.  His typical friends treat him as though he is not any different either.  I love that.

His favorite person to play with is his big brother.  He is great at imitating Nathan, sometimes to Nathan's dismay.  But,  he follows Nathan's lead.  It is cute to watch them work together on something, like putting on a concert for us.  They sing together (mostly) and play their instruments (sort of) and have a good time (most of the time).  Of course, they also fight like brothers do. But, wow, they love each other so much.  Nathan knows it and I believe Luke does too.  Nathan is Luke's best teacher.  I have observed Luke watching Nathan closely and try to copy him.  He is always learning and, whether Nathan likes it or not, he is always teaching Luke.

Since autism affects the entire family, I have to include how we have grown over this past year.  It has been quite a ride.  Sometimes it is still hard to wrap our minds around it all.  Nathan is pretty incredible.  This has been a big year for him.  I have been concerned about how having a special needs brother is affecting him.  He has really learned so much.  Things that can't be taught in a classroom.  I have seen him mature and grow in his compassion for others.  He doesn't always know how to act on it, but he is always wanting to help others.  He is a sweet boy with a big heart.  As for the rest of us, we have definitely grown too, not just in knowledge about autism and treatment and all that stuff,  but even more in our faith.  We know that God is in control of this and He works all things for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).  It becomes more real to us as we face each challenge and see Him guide us through them.  We still haven't made it to the other side of this challenge but He is leading us in the midst of it.  I believe all of us have grown in compassion for others.  We are a part of an amazing autism community and a larger special needs community.  Our hearts ache for our friends.  We know that they are facing their own trials that can, at times, seem too big to handle.  We love these people.  They are a family to us.  We celebrate our children's triumphs together and we share our disappointments.  Though our circumstances are not the same, we understand each other in a way that we, as a family, would never have known prior to autism.

There is much more that I could say but those are the big points.  What a  year! His accomplishments have been just astounding to us. Thank God for progress! So once again, this year will not be celebrated with a birthday cake for this milestone (we are trying to eat better around here!).  We will just celebrate with thankfulness.  We have so much hope for him and his future.  Our family is blessed beyond measure. We have been surrounded by family and friends who have loved on Luke and our family.  They have lifted us up to the throne of grace and we have found mercy and help in our times of need just as God's Word has promised.  We are thankful that Luke is a part of a great school and has awesome teachers who love him and are diligent in their teaching of Luke and these phenomenal kids.  (If it sounds like we have got this whole thing figured out, please know that we don't.  It is a day by day thing.  Some days are better than others, just like for everyone else.  We trust God.  He has never failed us.  We know that we are not alone in this.  We are thankful for your prayers.  We need wisdom, direction, patience, strength, and understanding.  Luke's doctors and teachers need it too.  We are excited to see what our next year with autism holds.  Luke has autism but it is not who he is.  Autism may not be going down without a fight, but as long as we are here, we will the good fight by God's grace and we will trust Him with the outcome.  He is doing amazing things!

Luke and his "Luke Bear" (yes, that is what he named him) that he made on vacation

Wow, two years!

You have worked so hard! Look how far you have come!

You are amazing and loved more than you will ever know!

Thankful for the crumbs

We just returned from a wonderful, restful vacation in Destin, Florida a couple of days ago.  It was so nice to get a way and I am thankful for the opportunity to relax.  My parents went with us and we really enjoyed our time together. So, you would think that after such a great week, I would be in a fantastic mood, thankful for everything.  Unfortunately, since the morning we packed up to come home, I have found myself grumbling and complaining.  I didn't take my blood pressure, but I am sure it steadily went up as we neared home.  I rushed around getting the laundry done and tried to "tidy up" a bit.  You know how it is when you get back from vacation - it looked like our suitcases had exploded.  Everything was everywhere.  For some reason, I felt the need to try to make my place look like something out of Better Homes and Gardens.  My house has never been spotless and I am not sure why I wanted to try to make it look that way.  I think maybe that I just felt the pressures of reality sinking back in and I needed to be productive.  School starts back in a few days and I needed to get things done.  All of the rushing around didn't make me feel any better and the house is not much better off than when we got home.   I wondered where all these clothes had come from to make up so many loads of laundry.  I swept and swept and wondered where all the crumbs had come from ( my boys!) and how long they had been there.  I was determined to teach them to follow through with cleaning up the messes they make.  After all, how are they going to become responsible adults if they can't clean up after themselves, right?  Yeah.  I was delusional and tired.  And ridiculous.  What was wrong with me?  I will tell you.  Selfishness.  Pride.  Impatience.  How can I even remotely expect perfection from my kids when they see their very imperfect mother everyday?  Why would I even want them to try to be perfect?  It is impossible.  The last thing I want to do is raise a little pharisee.  None of us will ever be perfect this side of heaven.  We can do nothing even close to that apart from Christ.  I was doing anything but show them God's grace and mercy. I was putting expectations upon them that I couldn't fulfill myself.  Shame on me.

God has a way of shining a light on things.  He brought to mind a former classmate of mine from high school who lost his young daughter less than a year ago.  I cannot imagine the ache he must feel everyday for the loss of his child.  My heart became so heavy for his loss.  I can't fathom the pain of losing a child.  I have two healthy, busy boys.  They make messes.  So what?  If I didn't have my boys, sure my laundry would be a little lighter and the crumbs wouldn't be as many, but the mess would still be here because Roger and I are here and we make messes too.  I am just glad that their crumbs are here too.  I would rather have their messes than not have them.  That is a no brainer.  I lost sight of my blessings.  I have an opportunity to show them God's love and mercy....to tell them about His grace, His Son....to teach them about repentance.....to teach them to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.  And I can train them to clean up too. They truly are gifts from God. He is so good and gracious to me.  It is so good to know that God can use broken vessels.  So thankful that He is not finished working on me.

My two little crumb makers

Wow...20 years...already?

This past weekend, I went to my hometown of Hanceville, Alabama to see my old pals and celebrate our 20th high school reunion.  Good ole class of 1992.  We were a great class.  We were pretty close too.  I think that is a plus when you go to a small school.  My graduating class had 75 students in it.  We knew everyone in our grade and many in the grades above and below ours.  We had a chance to be that close and develop those kinds of friendships.  My husband graduated from a much larger school than mine, with a class size at least 5 times the size of mine.  He played baseball and knew the players and had a few other friends, but that was it.  He didn't know even a quarter of his graduating class.  It was more like being at a junior college.  He had more opportunities and the programs he was exposed to where superior to those that we were offered, simply because of the size of our school.  But, he didn't experience what I did in school.  We talked about it and he is actually amazed that I know so many of my classmates.  We were kind of like a family in ways.  We took up for each other, fussed with each other, loved each other.  Like a family.

For some reason, 20 years ago, I thought it would be a great idea to be president of my class.  Not completely sure why.  I would love to say that it was because of my keen leadership skills or my vision for what our class could do to make a mark on the school and community.  No.  I think it was probably more because I thought it would look good on my college applications.  Seriously.  Isn't that pathetic?  Well, I should I have given it more thought.  I didn't think far enough ahead to realize that when you are a class officer at a small school, you are also on the committee to plan the reunions for the rest of your life!  I really could have used those keen leadership skills over the past few weeks as myself and a couple of close classmates put together our reunion.  We had help as the reunion neared, but the logistics were ours to plan.  Overall, I would say it was a success, but getting there was a little stressful.   For the record, getting people to RSVP is harder than pulling teeth.  Some were excited and responded quickly.  Then those that we had to "bug" a little.  We ended up with a good turn-out though.  A few of our friends were unable to be there because of other obligations and they were truly missed.

HHS class of 1992

Then there was the issue of giving a speech.  When you are president (or were?), it seems as those you are expected to say something "presidential."  But what?  That was the question on my mind for the weeks prior to the reunion.  What do you say to people you haven't seen in 10-20 years?  I even googled it.  Yes, I did.  There were no good suggestions.  Some suggested humor - not good at that. Others suggested something inspirational - not sure about that either.  And others suggested crudeness - uh, no.  So I started thinking about my life right now.  My family and I are dealing with autism on a daily basis.  God, through autism, is teaching us lessons that we may not have learned any other way.  We grow the most through the hard times, and well, autism is hard.  Really hard.  So I thought maybe I could share with them what we are learning about life through autism.  Then I realized there is no way I can stand up there and talk for that long!  So I just shared one little thing:  take in the moments.  In looking back on life, I realize that myself and maybe many others, measure life by the big events like graduating high school or college, getting a degree, getting married, having a child, etc.  But because of Luke's autism, some of those "big" events have been put into question, at least in my mind over the previous couple of years.  There are things that I sometimes wonder if he will experience.  My prayer is that he will experience those big events and more.  I know God is in control and His plans for my sweet Luke will come to pass.  I just sometimes have to be reminded of that when I get trapped in my "worrying" mode.  Anyways,  I shared with them about a moment that happened about 2-3 months ago:

        Luke was having a difficult time going to sleep and he wanted me in his room.  I knelt by his bed, bowed my head, and closed my eyes to communicate to him that it was time to sleep, not to play.  He proceeded to touch my face and as he would touch my eyes, he would say, "one eye", then "two eyes", then he touched my nose and said "nose."  I opened my eyes to look at him and as I smiled (because I just love to hear his little voice), he said "I love you."   Tears immediately filled my eyes.  This was the first time that he ever told me that he loved me completely on his own, unsolicited by me.  I have heard him say it before, but it was always in response to me saying it first.  He would parrot it back to me.  Of course, I loved it anyway.  But this was different.  He told me first.  I thanked God for that moment and asked Him to please let me never forget it.  I hope I never do.  


So, I concluded my little speech by trying to tie it all together.  Enjoy the moments.  I wanted them to enjoy the moments of that evening.  I wanted them to be able to say that when the evening was over, they were glad they had put forth the effort to be there.  I think, for the most part, everyone enjoyed the evening and was glad to have been there.  Not because of anything I had done, but because they were genuinely happy to see their old friends and visit, even if it was just for a little while.

To complete the evening, a classmate, Sherrie, showed us her comedic skills and made everyone laugh as she handed out fun awards.  She did a great job!  Then, another classmate, David, compiled an amazing video from our old pictures and we shared many laughs and maybe even a few tears while viewing it.  It was a wonderful evening.  It made me miss my old friends.  It is sometimes hard when you live away from those you were so close to for so many years.  We laughed, we cried, we hugged, and we smiled for pictures until our smiles hurt.  I am so thankful for the time we had, growing up together and our time this past weekend.  Looking forward to seeing them all again! (But we will have to hire a professional planner for the next reunion!)

Who says you can't go home again?

Me and my dear friend, Christi

Me and my sweet husband

Me and old pal April

Me and the gals

my friends, Kathy and Penny

Mendi and Christi

Angela and Michael

Sherrie and Angela

great friends

So glad I went back home!

The Best Seat in the House

This really should have been posted last week but I couldn't seem to find the time.  I tried my best to get it done yesterday, but the afternoon took a downward spiral and by the time everyone was asleep, I was too tired to concentrate on anything but my head hitting the pillow.  So, this morning, I am going to share with you something that made me smile and still makes me smile.

Last Monday evening, Nathan invited me to be in a concert that he was having in the living room that evening.  Well, I was honored to be asked, of course!  His only request was that I had to write my own song.  He was writing his and I had to write mine too.  It had to be 30 words.  No pressure.  Luke was exempt because "Mom, you know he can't write so he can just do whatever" so says Nate.  Made sense.  If you check out the clips, you will see.  Luke did whatever.

The evening came and it was concert time.  I have to say it was so fun to watch them funny and creative and comfortable.  I say comfortable because Nathan is often uncomfortable around a lot of people.  He is quite the talker though and he can be very entertaining.  It is always good to see him have fun.  And he put a lot of thought into his little song.  He wrote about the Holy Bible and that it was the greatest book on the earth.  It was his idea, not mine.  He is a very thoughtful little guy. He came up with it on his own and did not ask for help from me.  I thought that was pretty good for an introverted 6 year old.

Luke is a different story all together.  He is my extrovert.  During the concert, he was expressive and creative and he was talking!  I could understand him.  It was music to my ears.  There was a time when I didn't know if he would talk.  Now, I can listen to him sing his "a,b,c's" or "Old Macdonald had a Farm" over and over and never tire of hearing it because I can hear his voice and understand him.  It is music to my ears.  If I can get the clips to post on here, you will see that he sometimes steals the show.  He loves attention!

Last Monday evening, I had the best seat in the house.  It was silly and fun.  I loved watching my precious boys.  I wanted to share a few clips.  They are very short, only 20-30 seconds each. They aren't the best but you get an idea of how the concert went.  (For the record,  there was some kind of video malfunction when it was my turn to perform so no clips of me will be available.  I know you are disappointed!)  So, for your viewing pleasure..........

Luke on the fiddle singing his "a,b,c's":

Nathan playing the maracas ( egg shakers) singing his original song "Holy Bible" (With Luke crashing - or saving-  the performance):

Now, Nathan sings his song:

Luke singing (sort of) "Old Macdonald had a Farm"

Last but not least, Nathan and Luke singing a duet....unplugged:

So, that was it.  Our grand concert.  We won't be going on tour anytime soon.... or ever.  It was simple but fun. The boys had a great time. We laughed together. These are the moments I want to remember forever.

A Half Marathon on Tamiflu, Walking Pneumonia on Hydrocodone syrup, and the Kitchen Sink

This is a pretty miscellaneous post.  My mind has been working in a pretty miscellaneous way.  This was written last night while my mind was going at 90 mph and wouldn't let me rest, mostly because of medication that I thought would help me sleep! Let me explain.

About a month ago, me and four of my super cool gal pals ran in the Gulf Coast Half Marathon at Pensacola Beach.  It was quite the adventure just to get there.  We started training in January and things went pretty well with a minor cold or two to interrupt a few training days.  About a week and a half before the race my training came to a halt.  My husband came home from work not feeling well and felt bad for a few days.  Then Nathan started coughing and spiked a fever the weekend before the race.  The next day, Luke started up.  I just wrote it off as one of those colds that kids get.  So much of it has been going around.  By mid week,  fevers were still there and the cough had not gone away.  I started getting congested and things weren't looking so good.  I was 4 days away from the race I had been working towards for three months.  I took the boys to the doc and because Luke was the last to develop symptoms, the doc wanted to test him for the flu.  I didn't even think it could be the flu.  They both received the flu mist vaccine in January.  Guess what?  They had the flu.  I was on my way there too.  I headed to an urgent care clinic and my test for the flu was negative at the time but because my exposure to it was so high, the doc gave me Tamiflu.  I told her about my race and, being a runner herself, she said I should be feeling better in a couple of days and should be able to race.  My stamina wouldn't be as good nor would my time, but I should be able to complete it.  So I listened to her and took my meds.  She was right.  I was tired from about 8 miles to the finish.  It was a very warm morning. My muscles were tightening up and my stride shortening.  I was hydrating at every water and gatorade station to keep going.  And I did.  I crossed the line. The clock said 2:26 and my official chip time was 2:2507.  It's not what I hope for but I will take it.  I finished!  At that point, I was just glad to finish given the circumstances of the previous weeks.

Since the race, I have been so tired.  It has been very busy around here with school activities, t-ball games/ practices, autism awareness events, etc.  But, I have been more tired than the average bear.  And, I have been having trouble with chest congestion and some coughing on and off since then.  I just thought it was allergies.  Finally, I went to the doctor yesterday, after a couple of rough nights of coughing with very little rest.  I now know why I have been feeling so bad.  I have bronchitis and walking pneumonia.  That explains a lot.  The gave me a steroid shot, a z-pack, and some hydrocodone syrup for my cough at night.  The syrup is supposed to make me drowsy, at least that is what the package says.  Instead, I was more relaxed, but could hardly rest.  My mind was so busy and I couldn't make it stop.  That's how this post came to be.  I thought if I could just write it down, get it out of my head, maybe I could sleep. Good luck on that one! On the plus side, it is helping with my cough.  On the down side, as soon as I get these thoughts out, new ones come to mind.  I think I could write a short book on miscellaneous ramblings right now.  No kidding!

Next: sports.  The t-ball season just ended this past week and it was a great one.  I will have to post on this separately sometime.  Luke made it through his first season and made really good progress.  It was a little rocky in the beginning but he got the hang of it.  I think he is going to miss it.  He likes to wear his jersey and he is proud to tell anyone who asks about his team that he is a "Ank-ee" (Yankee).  Nathan played on the Pirates and had a great year.  He made some really good progress as well.  He had fun and made some new friends which is what it is all about.  His team just missed being in the championship by one game.  They finished in 3rd place in regular season and in play-offs.  It was tiring but fun.  Maybe I will post more on this later.  Who knows? If I try the hydrocodone again, the post may come sooner than later!

My mind then went to my boys, where it so often ends up.  The school year is coming to an end for Nathan next week.  On May 25, he will be graduating from kindergarten!  Sniffle, sniffle :,) Getting a little teary already.  I think back to when he was born so early and those early weeks of his life.  We didn't know if he would even make it home with us from the hospital.  He was so sick.  God had different plans.  He is doing so well.  He is a bright, inquisitive, energetic little guy.  He is healthy, funny, and has the memory of an elephant.  Seriously.  It's scary.  He remembers numbers and dates like I haven't seen before.  He remembers the names of kids he met at the park 2-3 years ago that he only met once and maybe threw the ball with a couple of times.  I remember the occasion but don't ask me their names.  Ask him though.  He knows.  He is amazing.  Then there is Luke.  He will be going to school throughout the summer but I think back to this school year and how far he has come.  He is amazing too!  He is a happy little fellow for the most part.  He has friends, smiles a lot, has a contagious laugh, and gives the best hugs.  He is talking so much too!  Much is still unintelligible, but we can understand so much more now!  He is working so hard.  He has a program that he does with the teachers at school and then we carry over at home.  Things such as assembling puzzles, replicating block designs by looking at cards, recognizing letters of the alphabet, repeating 2 syllable words, and identifying common objects and parts of objects in pictures.  Right now, he is working on identifying parts of a computer including the screen, mouse, and keyboard.  He is also now able to identify parts of a sink including the faucet and hot/ cold knobs.  So there, I just threw in the kitchen sink!  Or in this case, I think it was a picture of a bathroom sink.  Same thing.

Hoping to rest now.  Thanks for reading my ramblings.  I will let you know when the book comes out :-)

Project Outreach does it again!

On April 20, Project Outreach (P.O.) held an Autism Awareness Assembly at Spanish Fort High School.  The director of the program, Scott Parks, asked if I would speak as part of the program and give a parent's point of view about autism.  Seeing as how I have a child with autism and I have a point of view, I agreed.   People need to know, right?   But, what will I say?  How do I fit our story neatly into a five minute spot  ('cause our story has been anything but neat.)   Will it matter?  Who will listen?  What if I cry?  How many people  will be there?  What if i mess up?.....Yea, those were the kinds of questions swirling in my mind.     Public speaking makes me so nervous.  It definitely puts me out of my comfort zone.  Autism has a way of doing that.  I think I have permanently relocated out of my comfort zone!  But then it occurred to me: those questions were really all about me.  I have always said I would help in any way I can because autism shook up my world.  But, I have hope.  Others need hope too.   So I had to rethink this whole presentation thing.  It really wasn't about me at all.   It was about something bigger.  Like awareness.  Like understanding.  Like compassion.   It wasn't about me.

So that morning, the boys and I, along with my mother and mother in law,  headed across the bay to help spread autism awareness.  I had packed bags for the boys that held their favorite books and colors to keep them occupied during the assembly (because you just never know what to expect). When we got to the school,  we couldn't help but notice the big red puzzle piece spray painted on the front lawn by the words "Autism Awareness Week."  These kids were serious about autism!  Students from P.O. led us down the hall to the gym where the assembly would take place.  As we walked, I couldn't help but notice the big, bright, impossible-to-miss signs on the walls.  They were all about autism. They were full of facts and stats.  There were puzzle pieces hanging from the ceiling. There were signs made by each grade showing their support for the autism community.  I was blown away!

 
The presentations by the students were equally impressive. Several spoke about what autism means to them and how it has changed their lives. Then there were the videos.  y usually get me. I fought back tears as the very first video played at the beginning of the assembly.  It was all about autism stats and the challenges kids with autism face.  It reminded me that my son is 1 in 88 and that we have many of these challenges ahead.  It was powerful and I admit, I couldn't watch it all because I knew I would cry.  Autism gets to me like that.

My part of the presentation came about half way through the program.  I was nervous. Even the night before I just kept staring at a blank piece of paper wondering what I would say.  I finally scribbled a few notes before going to bed.  And I have to tell you, I love how God uses our kids to remind us of His truths.  Nathan knew I was nervous and wanted to encourage me.  He reminded me of Joshua 1:9 which states: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage for the Lord your God is with you."  He said "Mom, don't worry. Jesus is with you wherever you go." My precious son used the same verse that I have been using to encourage him when he is afraid.  I was both humbled and grateful for that gift.  And I was encouraged.  So, it was my turn.  I stepped up to the podium and placed my messy, scribbled notes in front of me.  I picked up the microphone, looked up at the audience and began to speak.  I wish I could tell you exactly what I said because I honestly don't remember. The words just came out.  I never looked at those notes.  I guess I just had them there to make me feel better.  I found a couple of faces in the crowd that appeared receptive and kind.  I just spoke from my heart and told our story.  I think it went well.  And those bags I packed for the boys, well, they helped.  The boys did great for the entire hour of the assembly.  I was a proud mommy :-)

Afterwards, there was a reception and time to talk with some of the members of P.O.  They had great questions for me about Luke and autism.  They flocked to the boys and began interacting with them.  It was a lot for Luke at first but he warmed up and was giving out hugs before it was over.  I think Nathan especially loved the attention. He was surrounded by pretty high school girls who wanted to know all about him.  I loved that he smiled and laughed with them.  Although he can be rather shy and quiet at times, he loved their attention and when all was said and done,  he said "that was fun."

It really was fun.  I was around some amazing young people who really care.  Some of them even want to work with special needs kids when they get out of school.  It was so encouraging to be around them.  I wish this program could be in every school.  The need is there.  When I was in school many years go,  I had never heard of autism. Now, it is everywhere. It's not going anywhere either. So much of it is still a mystery.  But our autism kids are here and they are growing up.  Programs like P.O. and people like Scott Parks give me hope for my son and his future. Luke is growing up (and too fast I might add!) and I pray that he will have friends like these, who truly care about him for who he is and who won't try to limit him because what he has.

Lovin' the 80's, Lovin' the Little Tree

Do you remember the 80's?  As I write this, I realize that some readers weren't even born yet which makes me feel pretty old. I loved a lot about the 80's. The music, the tacky fashion ( minus the shoulder pads - yuck!), the big hair(love that Aqua Net), the family sitcoms.  I listened to big hair bands like Bon Jovi, Def Lepard, and Poison.  I loved Hart and Chicago too. Oh, and Bryan Adams, Tears for Fears, and Duran Duran too.  The list could go on. Thank goodness for Pandora.

Did you watch The Cosby Show or Growing Pains? Or maybe Full House or ALF?  Maybe you liked movies like The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles.  Personally, I had a crush on Kirk Cameron from Growing Pains.  Yes, I did.  I admit it.  If you were a teen girl in the 80's, you can admit it too.  Come on. You know you did!

Earlier this month, I had a chance to visit the 80's once again.  "A Night at the Ezell House" was a 80's themed fundraiser for the Learning Tree and it's programs which includes Woody's Song and The Little Tree preschool (Luke's school).  It was held in a beautiful historic home in downtown Mobile.  There was some delicious food provided by Wintzell's Oyster House, Spot of Tea, Tropical Smoothie Cafe, Pollman's Bakery and Twist Cupcakes to name a few.  There were over 50 silent auction items in all price ranges, including a stay at the Grand Hotel, tickets to see the Mobile Baybears and gift cards to fine restaurants,  which made everyone happy. On the courtyard,  The Wes Loper Band played and did a great job.  They aren't known for being an 80's cover band but they belted out the hits.  They had everyone singing and having a good time.  I am a fan!  The night was a success!  We raised $8500 !

The cool thing about it though wasn't the food or the music, even though they were great.  It was the fact that parents came together and worked very hard toward the common goal of helping our kids. ( And we had a great time too!) We see the impact that these programs are having on the lives of our children and our families and we know that we simply must help because that is just what we are supposed to do.  Really, we have to help. Not because we are forced to but because we are compelled to help. We want to help. That's what you do for your kids, right?   I have joked that "fundraiser" is my new middle name because it seems to be all I do these days.  But that's ok. It's for my son and his friends. They need it. Their school needs it. Why wouldn't I work hard to help them?   It's for their present and their future.

I have put away the neon accessories, at least for now.  But I look forward to the event next year. If you couldn't be there, then you missed out!  Mark your calendars for April 5, 2013 at the Ezell House . Come join us! We will do it again and it will be a blast! And thank you for your prayers and financial gifts to help Luke's school.  I have been completely overwhelmed by your generosity, your support and your love. Thanks  again!

Hello April!

Well, it's finally here! A month of blue lights, blue hair extensions, fundraising events, walks and runs all in an effort to increase awareness of autism. April is designated as Autism Awareness month but now, I am aware of it every day.

Two years ago, I wasn't aware of autism. I mean, I knew the term and knew that I didn't want my child to ever have "something like that" but I didn't really know about it. I didn't know anyone who had a child with autism. It's really amazing how much you can learn in a year and a half and still be perplexed that this disorder continues to be mysterious on so many levels. But now that my child has "something like that," I am learning as much as I can about how to best help him. I have to be seen and heard for his sake so, for those that know me well, that means getting out of my comfort zone. Not easy for me, but necessary for him.

My husband and I desire, besides providing Luke the best possible care and therapy that we possibly can, to educate our little corner of the world about autism. I hope we have done that, even if just a little. We don't know or understand it all, but we do know firsthand what it is like to deal with it on a daily basis. A saying somewhat common in the autism community is "once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." That statement is so true. If every parent of a child with autism blogged about their child and their challenges, every blog would be so unique, just because the challenges are so varied in each case. Again, I didn't know that a couple of years ago. My exposure to autism was "Rain man." Unfortunately, that is also the only exposure many people have had to autism. Not all of our kids are geniuses. But some are. Not all of our kids have behavioral issues. But some do. Not all of our kids are nonverbal. But some are. Not all of our kids are mentally retarded. But some are. Not all of our kids are savants. Yes, some are. The stereotypes could go on. The spectrum is so much bigger than I ever imagined. I want people to know that.

Now, more than ever, awareness is key. I guess at one time the saying "ignorance is bliss" applied to me. It didn't seem that important - until it hit home. Knowledge really is power. The power to speak up and bring about change for our kids, our future. With that knowledge comes responsibility. The responsibility to be seen and heard when it matters. The responsibility to seek out the best treatments for our kids. The responsibility to educate others because ignorance really isn't bliss. This past week, the CDC released the latest findings regarding the incidence of autism and the numbers are jaw-dropping. One in 88 children are diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder and the number for boys is even more alarming at 1 in 54. Based on this, the chances of you knowing or having a child in your life affected by autism are high. And please don't forget, these numbers represent real people. They are not just statistics. They are sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, grandchildren, loved ones. So, get educated. Know the signs. Get the facts. Be aware. It doesn't just go away because we don't know all about it. Turning our heads away doesn't work.

So, would you like to know what to do? There are many simple things you can do to help increase awareness.
* Go to my blog and check out the "signs of autism" tab. Or, just google autism. (Remember, knowledge is power!).
* If you are in Alabama or in another state looking at autism insurance reform, call you legislators and urge them to support this because it is much needed to get our kids the therapies and treatments they need covered by insurance companies.
* In Alabama, go to your DMV and buy a commit to purchase autism tag before November. It costs $50 with $ 41.20 going to the Autism Society of Alabama. (They have to have 1000 commitments before the tag goes into production.)
* April 2 is World Autism Awareness day and many famous buildings will be "lighting it up blue" to recognize it. So, you too can light it up blue! Buy a blue light bulb. There are blue bulbs at Home Depot for $1.99 specially marked with Autism Speaks. (Ours is already lit up outside our front door to welcome April.)
* For the ladies and some brave fellas, get a blue hair extension. When people notice your extension, it gives you a chance to increase awareness wherever you go. Check with salons in your area. In Mobile, Bombshell Salon is offering them for $12 and the proceeds benefit The Learning Tree and it's programs, which includes The Little Tree (Luke's school). I will be sporting one soon!

April is a very busy month for our family. Autism is always with me and my family though, no matter the month. Luke is an incredible little boy and he is surrounded by love. God is teaching us so much through Luke. We have been blessed with so much love, encouragement and support and we are thankful for it. If in any way, you have learned anything about autism from my blog or other sources, then please pass that knowledge along. It can only help our kids who deserve to be given the opportunity to thrive and it offers them the best chance at a purposeful, productive future. People need to know!

Thank you!

Play Ball!

This past Saturday was a day that I both looked forward to and dreaded at the same time. It was Jamboree Day at Mim's Park. The opening day of ball season. It was a very beautiful but very long day. It was also a much anticipated day at our house. This year, not one, but both boys are playing t-ball. This is big. Nathan played last year and had a good time. Even with just one child playing, Jamboree Day is long. But now, Luke is playing too. This is new for us. This is big. Our child with autism is playing t-ball with typical kids. So Jamboree Day is even longer this year and full of all sorts of uncertainties. How will Luke handle all of this? How will we handle this? Will he make it through the game or will it just be too much for him? I don't know, I don't know, and I don't know. Am I nervous? Is this scary? Am I afraid? Yes, yes, and yes. Goal of the day: try to have fun... and survive.

Our day started early: 7:15 a.m. Luke's team had pictures made first thing that morning which was a good thing considering that his team, the Yankees, are in white pants. It may be the only time we have a picture with his pants so white! Then opening ceremonies began at 8:00 a.m. All the teams were called out on the field, the national anthem was sang, then "play ball!" was announced on the speaker. Well, so far so good.

Luke's game started at 9:15 a.m. He was excited, I think. Sometimes it is hard to tell. He went out on the field with Roger. Great thing about the 4 year old league is that parents are welcome on the field (and needed) to help instruct the little ones as each hitter comes to the plate. Luke mostly stood there with Roger and watched as his team mates tackled each other to get the ball and by then, the runner had long since made it to first base. He was more of an observer but that was ok for me. He was out there and he wasn't crying. When it was his team's turn to bat, he waited patiently for his turn, then went out there, and with instruction from Coach Shawn, he hit the ball! It was a pretty good hit too! He ran with a smile on his face to first base. He eventually made it all the way around the bases. Success! It was great to see him participate! He looked so happy. Then, he had to go back on the field. He was growing tired and I could see Roger was having to work more with him to try to get him to stay on the field. By then, it was almost 10:00 a.m. and the activities of the morning were wearing on him. He made it to the dugout with his team but by the time it was his turn to bat, he had basically had enough. He cried and cried. He kept saying "pee-sa" over and over. I couldn't figure it out then I looked outside the fence and saw Nathan drinking a Capri-Sun and realized Luke wanted one too. I tried to bribe him to go bat while I got his drink but it was no use. He was too upset and tired to continue. He finished the game sitting in the shade, watching his team, and drinking a Capri-Sun.

Next, I hurried off to fulfill my one hour obligatory concession stand duty then back to the field for Nathan's team pictures at 11:15. Luke was happy playing with Gran and eating snacks so attending to Nathan's team schedule went a little more smoothly. We had a short break which meant grabbing a quick lunch then back to the field by 1:30 for Nathan's game. Nathan did great and his team looked great. It was neat to see the progress he has made since last year. He had a good time and his team "unoffically" won - since Jamboree games don't count on the schedule. We were almost finished with the big day. Nathan told me how tired he was after the game. "Yes! We can go home and rest!" or so I thought. He reminded me that he still had one more thing to do that day: go to his good friend's birthday party. I should have previously added that Nathan had been sick most of the week prior to Jamboree and woke up at 5:00 a.m. that morning crying with an ear ache. I thought for sure we were done. Everyone was tired. But, we had just one more thing.

We went home long enough to change clothes and then headed out again for the party. Nathan had a great time with his friends and I am so glad we went. It did not matter that I was ready to fall out on the floor at Pump It Up. I had a chance to sit for a while and visit with friends while my big boy had fun with his friends. It was nice. So the day is over, right? Almost. We got home, got the boys cleaned up and into bed. Then, I headed back out to borrow some ear drops from my sweet friend just in case an overnight earache came back to haunt us. She saved me a trip to an urgent care clinic and 24 hour pharmacy. (Thanks Hope!). Then I crashed into bed. Ahhhhh....

We made it through the day. It was a long day filled with new memories and new possibilities. Luke is playing t-ball and making new friends. Nathan is playing t-ball even better than last year and he is making new friends too. Roger and I are once again out of our comfort zone and we are learning more about life and ourselves through the simple (or not so simple) game of t-ball. Maybe we will make some new friends too. Here's to a new season!

A Perfect Fit

So, it has been a while since I have been on here. I have a feeling all of my upcoming posts could begin with that sentence. It has been so busy in our household lately, just like everyone else I guess. Some exciting things are happening....

A couple of weeks ago, we loaded up in the car and headed over to Mim's Park to sign Nathan up for his second year of t-ball. He is excited and we are too. He has made such progress since last year. I think he will really enjoy it more this year too. When we arrived at the park and went in to the park office, there was a lot of hustle and bustle with parents signing their kids up for ball. There were team jerseys hanging up all around and as soon as Luke saw them, he was so excited. He started pointing to them and talking. I told the woman at the desk that we were there to sign Nathan up for ball. Luke spoke up and said "Lu pay too." He thought we were there to sign him up as well. We had talked about it. There is a Challenger league at another park that is for kids with disabilities but we thought it might be better to wait another year before pursuing this with Luke.

At Mim's, there is a 4 year old league which is more for the parents than for the kids! It is simply instructional, no score is kept at the games. Just trying to teach them the basics. To say Luke was excited is really an understatement. Another worker there that night asked if we wanted to sign Luke up too. We were hesitant but we told them about Luke, his autism, and our concerns. They were so welcoming and encouraged us to sign Luke up. The manager bent down to talk to Luke. He asked Luke if he liked to hit the ball. Luke: "I hit ball." He asked Luke if he liked to run fast. Luke: "I run fast." Then Luke said once again, "I pay too." We decided to go for it.

He had is first practice last week and I guess it went as well as could be expected. It takes a great deal of patience to be a coach, and extra if you coach t-ball, and a monumental amount if you coach 4 year old t-ball.
Luke's coach is so very kind and patient. Of course, parent participation is absolutely necessary to keep the kids focused on what they are supposed to be doing. Roger spent the entire practice with Luke on the field. He was working so hard to help Luke. All went well until he tried to put a helmet on Luke's head. That's when Luke lost it. He cried and cried and would not wear one. If he doesn't wear a helmet, he can't bat. Park rules. So, after some time, we were able to calm him and he finished the practice out in the field with his team.

This was hard. I haven't thought about what a father must feel like when he sees his son is different than other kids his age. I have been in situations before where I was so very aware that my child was different and it was so hard for me. Now, Roger was experiencing it in a very real way. This is going to be a challenge for us over the next couple of months. We know that it is going to be good for Luke, but I think it is Roger and I that will be learning the lessons the most. It's hard not to compare. We are so guilty of it. No matter how hard we try, we see others his age and think "that's what Luke should be doing now." It's not fair to him. He is precious and doesn't deserve to be compared because he is extraordinary just as he is. So, we all have our challenges ahead this ball season.

One of the first challenges is just trying to get Luke to wear a helmet. His little head, well, is not all that little. Nathan's helmet is too small for Luke and it hurts his head. So, we went to Academy Sports in search of a helmet. We just might have tried on every helmet there and it wasn't looking good. And then, there was that moment, maybe like when the slipper went on Cinderella's foot. He picked up a helmet and put it on and smiled his sweet Lukey smile, dimples and all. Eureka! We found it! Perfect fit! Roger took the boys, who were growing restless, to the car and I headed to the check out with our prized helmet. We didn't bother looking at price tags when trying on helmets, seriously didn't even think about it. We were in desperation mode. No helmet, no t-ball. That was our thinking. Then the worker scanned the helmet. My jaw dropped and I was had to take a moment. Are you serious? I bought it anyway and told the lady that I would probably be back the next morning to return it. I won't tell you how much it cost, only that if not Luke, someone in this family will be wearing that helmet for years to come. The great news is that he loves it and will wear it without crying. He has slept with it in his bed for the past couple of nights and even wore it to breakfast one morning. We may actually make it to the first game now. I can't think beyond that.

Here we are. Starting on a new adventure. We are mingling with the general population. This is out of our comfort zone. Our school friends know us. Our church friends know us. But now, our ball park friends have got to get to know us and Luke. We are exposed to new people and new things. We did this last year with Nathan and it was good. But now, our child with autism is playing t-ball with typical kids. This puts him in a new light. I try to think of it as opportunity to educate others, maybe break down stereotypes. But that is my thinking on a strong day. In reality, I am scared. That is my thinking on a weak day. I don't want him to be labeled or made fun of. I have trouble dealing with other people who may not be so kind. I want to protect him. At least, that is what I say. I guess in reality, I want to protect me. Staying to ourselves, sheltering him is not the answer. That's not always what is best for him. My sweet, social little guy is getting to experience something new, something I wasn't sure he would get to do. That is exciting! I am so happy and thankful that he is able to take part in this. He is going to learn and grow so much. We are all going to learn through this - maybe a little about t-ball and a lot about ourselves. Maybe we can teach others about autism along the way.

Trying to balance

Well, it's been almost a month since my last blog. Life is so busy and finding time to write, especially lately, has been basically impossible. Yes, there are those hours between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. but I prefer to sleep when I can.

The past couple of weeks have been nice because I have gotten to spend a little more time with my big boy, Nathan. Last week, he missed a couple of days of school because of fever, so I got some cuddle time in with him. Those moments are slowly getting fewer and farther between so I enjoy them when I can. This week his school was out for a couple of days because of a teacher conference. We have had some fun times together. Unfortunately, I have been a little under the weather this week but we still managed to have some fun. We went to the Gulf Coast Exploreum yesterday and saw the Megalodon exhibit. Pretty cool. That was one big shark! Up to 60 feet long! We talked about the possibility that Jonah might have spent some time in the belly of that big creature. Fun to wonder anyway. We had a lunch date where he told me all about his friends and school. I loved listening to him tell me in detail who was the best at running, basketball, coloring, and reading in his class. I so enjoyed my time with him. I really try to make an effort to just focus on him when we have the chance, whether it is a fun outing like the exploreum or just us at home sitting at the table reading or coloring together. I need him to know how much he means to me. I treasure this time with him.

So often, I feel guilty because of the time and attention that Luke needs. I feel like it is a sacrifice on his part and maybe in some sense that can be a good thing, but in another sense, I don't know how much a 6 year old can comprehend about sacrifice when I know that he has needs of his own. He probably understands more than I give him credit for and yet, I still feel guilty. He and I have had our conversations about autism. He knows that Luke needs his special school and he needs therapy. But it is hard when, so often, people that approach us ask how Luke is doing but not necessarily how Nathan is doing. I don't know what goes on in his mind during these conversations. Sometimes he can tell me, other times words are hard to find. Last week, we started talking about the upcoming Walk for Autism in April and how we will start organizing our team soon. Last year, Nathan asked me "When will there be a Team Nathan?" That was hard to hear but gave me a look into his thoughts on all that is going on. So much focus is on Luke. So, this year I considered changing the team name and asked for his input. We talked about "Team Broome" since it is a family event and affects us all. He thought about it then told me that he liked "Team Luke". His only request was that he could have his name on the back of the shirt again. I told him I would make it as big as he wanted it to be :-). I can definitely do that! But then, he said " I wish I had autism." This is the first time I have heard him say this. My heart sank. I fought back tears and reitereated how important he is to me and our family. I told him how grateful to God I am for him and that I am glad he doesn't have autism. I tried to tell him that he was fearfully and wonderfully made by a loving God who has given him many gifts and talents. How I want to make him understand but I know this is a process that may take some time and I am so impatient.

It is at these times that I question my balancing act. Have I done enough to let him know what he means to me? Am I doing enough? How do I help him understand? How do I protect him and yet enable him to grow into the little boy God created him to be? It's so hard. Balancing is hard. My tight rope feels like it is narrowing. How I pray for wisdom to walk and balance so that the boys can see God in my life and see how much Roger and I love them both. Luke has special needs but Nathan's needs are no less special, just different. He is precious and such a good big brother to Luke. I think, most of the time, he likes being Luke's teacher in addition to being his big brother. He is so good at it. I love the compassion and understanding that is being cultivated in his heart. My prayer is that I can be what they need me to be. I know that just as the weightiness of parenting grows with each passing day, so does my love for them. I am so glad I don't have to do this balancing act on my own. Not only do I have a loving, supportive husband, most importantly, I have a loving heavenly Father who promises to never leave me or forsake me. So thankful for God and His promises. I depend on them and can rest at night because I know His mercies are new every morning. Looking forward to a new day and new opportunities to show all my boys (Roger included) God's love as I lean on Him who is more than able to help me balance it all.