Three years with Autism

Three years. It has already been three years since we heard the words "Your son has autism."  It seems like it all happened just yesterday.  I remember the tears. I remember the fears.  I remember the questions.  I remember the overwhelming sadness.   "Not my son. It can't be." All I knew was what my reality was for that time in my life. I couldn't get out of the box I was in.  In no way could I have imagined that we would be here, right where we are, at this point in the game. I couldn't have imagined the progress we have seen in Luke.  I knew God was in control, but still felt paralyzed at times because I didn't know how to help my sweet boy.   I just had no idea.

Fast forward three years.  Where did the time go? Luke is 5 years old now and he is getting so big!  He has made amazing progress.  His speech continues to improve.  He can sing the sweetest "Twinkle, twinkle little star" you have ever heard.  He loves going to school and playing with his friends.  When I ask him about his day and who he played with, he may tell me any number of friends in his class.  Some have autism, some are typical.  Some are verbal, some are nonverbal.  He loves playing with them all!  I love that.  He doesn't care if they are different and he doesn't let his differences keep him away either.  He is learning to match quantities and he can count to 30.  He can write his name! He is playing soccer now and loves being on a team. I could go on....

And I have to share this: Last night, Luke asked me to lay down beside him for a few minutes at bedtime. ( It is hard to say no to his sweet request. )  He turned on his dream lite and watched the ceiling light up with stars.  I saw his sweet face light up too.  He would point up and just say "look" and smile with the cutest dimples ever. Then, he would snuggle next to me.  He was so very aware and in wonder of the stars and so many things around him.  I wanted to freeze that moment and simply enjoy it.  I will always treasure those times.  I love to see him in awe of things around him.    It is in those times, I  try to point him to our loving God and Creator who made all of these things he loves so much.  I pray that it sinks in to his precious heart.  Life is a gift.  He is a gift.  Oh, to see through the eyes of a child!  Especially one who experiences life differently than so many of us.

 

Luke lost his first tooth last month!

We still have many mountians to climb but Luke has come so far.  And by God's grace, our family has too.  God has been so good to guide us to amazing teachers and therapists who have helped Luke and our family so much.  We have truly been blessed and we are honored to be on this ride with Luke.  God is using it in big ways in our lives. We praise Him for His sanctifying work.  We still shed tears. We still fight fears. We still have questions.  But we know WHO is over it all! We have so much hope for Luke's future. We know God has big plans and we pray that He is glorified in and through our sweet boy - well, actually both of our sweet boys!

Luke and Nathan on their first day of soccer games

 

 

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow! Celebrating three years with thankfulness and praise!

My Very Favorite Job

Seven and a half years ago, I became a mother.  I had no idea how it would change me.  Of course, I knew that I would have a little one to care for and my responsibilities would increase ten-fold.  I knew that there would be nights with little to no sleep.  I knew that spit-up would become a new part of my wardrobe. I knew that toys would be everywhere. I even knew that my voice would somehow change and baby-talk would come out from time to time, irritating those around me.  I knew that I would fall in love all over again too.  But I had no idea how much it would truly affect me.  I didn't know the special love that I would have for my boys which even now makes my heart feel as though it could burst.  I didn't know how painful it would be to hear "Your son has autism."  I am glad I didn't know exactly what awaited me when this journey began.  To describe it in a word is impossible.  I would just say it has been everything....every emotion intensified.  Joy.  Sadness.  Success.  Struggle.  Pain.  Peace.  Confusion.  Happiness. Worry.  Rest.  Love, lots of love.  And more....

Motherhood has been the most wonderful, hardest, best, most humbling job ever.  But, it is also my very favorite.  God blessed me with two beautiful boys that fill my life with love. Before I became a mom,  I had all these ideas of how it would be.  My child would be so good and do things just right and would just be, well, perfect.  Why would I even think that? Of course, because his mom (me) would be amazing!!  Yes, I was naive (stupid!).  Didn't even to take into account that I would have a precious little sinner as my child and that I am a seasoned sinner myself.  I didn't do things perfectly, why would I even think that my children would do any different?  I had NO idea how hard it would be to be a mother.  The  ideas I had were almost funny.  I didn't know that I didn't know.  But, I learned quickly and I continue to learn. I was focused on having a child that behaved.  I wasn't even considering that having a child that was outwardly "good" was not my ultimate goal.  You can teach a child to perform a behavior, and that is okay.  But, I want a child that behaves because of a heart desire to serve the Lord.  That is different.  And that is something that is a challenge to teach as well.  It is something that has to be lived out daily.  It has to be demonstrated and taught.  That is where I come in --seasoned sinner saved by the grace of God.  An imperfect mother pointing her boys to a perfect God.  Living the gospel out daily.  Needing God's grace as much as needing to show her boys their need of it.  I am not out for their behavior, I am out for their heart.  And I can only do that with the strength that God provides and His grace and mercy to draw them to Him. I can love them, pray for them and teach them, but I cannot save them.  That is something only God can do.  

my sweet Luke

So, what do I know?  That being a mother, a parent, is day by day, on the job training.  It is unpredictable and indescribable.  It is more that I anticipated.  It has made me stronger and driven me to my knees.  Maybe I am stronger because it has driven me to my knees in prayer.  I didn't anticipate the struggles that my children would face.  Autism and learning issues are not life threatening problems, however,  they have hit me hard.  I didn't anticipate the struggles but they are a part of life.  Everyone has them, they just look different in each family.  For me: I was reminded that I am not in control (Psalm 139).  I learned that I struggle with worry even though I am to be "anxious for nothing", and His peace will guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:6-7). I learned that when I trust Him, pray for His wisdom and not "lean on my own understanding",  He will direct my path (Proverbs 3:5-6). I learned that I am not alone and I never will be (Deuteronomy 31:8; Joshua 1:9).  God has shown me such grace and mercy and I want to show that to my boys.  I wish I could say that I have done that perfectly...that I have always spoke with a gentle spirit or always disciplined in love and not frustration.  I can't say I have done that.  Instead, I have had many opportunities to admit when I have been wrong and ask for forgiveness from my children.  My prayer is that I will show them God's love, which includes the mercy and forgiveness that God has lavished on me.  My hope and prayer is that I will point them to the Lord in my words and through my life so that they will see my heavenly Father, the perfect parent who does all things well...who never disappoints...who loves beyond what we can even imagine.

my big boy Nathan

I have made more mistakes as a mother than I will ever be able to count.  I know that I will make many more, even though I will try otherwise.  Not to scare off any prospective parents out there....the benefits of being a mom are awesome! I, along with my husband,  have somehow acquired semi-super hero status - and I say "semi" because I cannot fly or leap tall buildings in a single bound.  I can kiss bo-bo's and make even the worst cut or scrape feel better.  I can give great hugs (and the hugs I get in return are fantastically sweet!). I can make them both belly laugh and I am getting pretty good at basketball and baseball.  I love to hear Nathan ask for another hug at bedtime or Luke ask "Will you read me night-night story please?"  Even when I am extra tired, I never regret granting those requests :)  It is so fulfilling to see them learn something new or do well on anything. I love to be their cheerleader and encourage them along the way.  It seems as though the size of my heart has grown exponentially as my love for them does the same.  I think it gives us an idea of the love that God has for us.  He gave His Son for us. What an amazing amount of love! Being a mother has given me just a glimpse into a love like no other.

angry birds at rest

My experience at motherhood has been shaped by my own mother.  She has been such a blessing to me.  She sacrificed for me more than I realized.  She was always there...every late night of studying, every teacher conference, music recital, cheerleader tryout, sporting event....you name it.  She has been the best role model for me.  She has loved me when I have been unlovable.  She has taught me and demonstrated incredible grace throughout my life.  She has always pointed me to the Lord.  My mother has been my example of what a godly wife and mother should be.  She has loved my dad so sweetly in the things she does for him everyday and she loves the Lord.  She simply has enjoyed being a wife and a mom.  I have never heard her complain. She has always been an encouragement to me.  She used to remind me of Philippians 4:13 every morning on the way to school : "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  If I was nervous about a test or presentation, that verse would always come to mind.  Now, I find myself sharing this same verse with Nathan when we ride to school.  I am so blessed to have a mom like this.  She is precious to me.  I am so thankful for her and I pray that I can be that kind of example to Roger and the boys that she has been to me. God is good and I am blessed!

 my mom and dad

me and my sweet Roger

So, Happy Mother's Day! I am going to go hug my boys now :)

So Many Reasons to Smile

This past weekend was one to remember for our family.  We went to the happiest place on earth.  No, I am not talking about Disneyland.  I am talking about Camp Smile.  If you aren't familiar with Camp Smile, it is a residential summer camp for individuals with disabilities and their siblings.  It is located in Mobile, Alabama and is hosted by United Cerebral Palsy of Mobile.  In a word, it is simply INCREDIBLE.  (For more information, go to www.campsmilemobile.org.)  This past weekend was their family weekend camp.  It was better than I even anticipated!  A teacher at Luke's school told me about the camp and now that Luke is 5, he is old enough to attend.  I knew that Luke would want to go but I wasn't sure how my Nathan would feel about it.  The summer camp is 4 nights away from home.  (Quite honestly, that will be harder for me than it will be for them!).  When I mentioned it, they both seemed excited initially, but as I feared, Nathan started to change his mind and didn't know about being away from home.  When we found out about the family weekend, we decided to try it and see what the boys thought about camp.  It was so good, they cannot wait to go back! Thank you Ms. Melanie for telling us about this place!

I really wish everyone could experience Camp Smile.  It is truly a special place with amazing campers and selfless (and very well trained) volunteers, many who come back year after year, to work with these precious kids.  The first night we were there, I had to fight back tears most of the evening.  I know that is not uncommon for me, emotional gal that I am.  But this place really moved me.  To look around and see the campers, all different but still so much alike.  They simply were happy to be there.  The smiles on their faces showed their excitement to be at camp.  No one "stood out".  Being different was the norm there, and it was a beautiful norm.  Able-bodied volunteers where serving children who could not always help themselves.  It was a place where a kid could just be a kid, not a kid with a disability.  No judgmental stares.  No reasons to be embarrassed.  No pressure to fit in.  No societal or physical limitations.  And at mealtime, different campers would get the opportunity to ask the blessing. Some could say a few words, others only sounds.  But everyone knew the prayer and we followed along: "God our Father.....once again....we ask you for these blessings.....Amen."  It was a little slice of heaven.

The smiles on the campers faces were endless.  But, the smiles did not stop there.  For parents, this camp is a place of acceptance and rest.  To see your child enjoy activities that typical kids participate in regularly brings such joy.  The special accommodations at camp allow kids with varying degrees of disability to participate in activities such as horseback riding, fishing, archery, music and crafts, to name just a few.  The opportunity to meet other families who can identify with similar struggles is very encouraging and comforting.  Roger and I enjoyed getting to know other parents there and we made new friends this weekend.  We, too, are all different but there is a bond that makes us alike, our heart for our children and the challenges they face.  It was an awesome weekend!

Nathan and Luke made many memories.  They didn't want to leave.  The first thing out of Nathan's mouth Sunday morning was "I don't want to leave, Mom.  I like this place."  I am so glad he did.  They both had a blast.  They met new people too.  It was so good for them both.  They rode horses, fished, played drums, played with remote control boats, participated in arts and crafts and so much more.  They just enjoyed being at camp.  Nathan really took it all in.  He is an observer and he had a million questions.  Our camp counselor would have never known that Nathan is introverted. He talked and talked!  He felt so comfortable there. Initially, he was hesitant when it was time to go ride horses.  He told me he really didn't like horses and did not want to ride.  When we got there, Luke didn't hesitate.  He was eager to ride.  Nathan decided he would try it too.  He loved it!  Both boys volunteered to ride again when given the opportunity. They were so relaxed! Luke is still talking about getting to ride on "So-kee) (Smokey). And as for Nathan, the one I was worried the most about, he seemed to be more independent at camp and a little more outgoing than usual.  It was so great to see that!   The memories we made this weekend were priceless!

Thank you Ms. Melanie for telling us about camp! Thank you Ms. Cecy for running this awesome place! And thank you Camp Smile for being there and caring for these amazing kids! We can't wait for summer camp and for the next family weekend!