Labor Day weekend is here. Tropical Storm Lee is visiting and raining on everything. My mind has chosen now to go into overdrive. I have been thinking. It is kind of quiet right now so I can actually do that. But, if this sounds a little all over the place, well, that is sometimes how my thinking goes. More often than I would like, I find myself thinking about this whole autism thing. I can't imagine why...
When this diagnosis became a part of our family, I never really felt compelled to cry out to God "why Luke, why us?" I am not saying that to pat myself on the back. Not at all. When my questions finally came, they were more like "Are you sure God? This is scary. You think Roger and I can handle this?" Maybe a little like Moses. (Yes, I know it is a stretch.) I can just hear him say "God, are you sure you want ME to lead your people out of captivity? But, I have this speech problem." I know Roger and I don't have to lead throngs of people to the Promised Land but the task we face seems monumental. Our goal is not to "fix" Luke because he is not broken. Autism is just apart of who he is. We want to help him learn and grow into the little boy God created him to be.
Parenting in and of itself is a big deal. Period. Throw in autism or really anything else and it just seems that much harder. I have tried to imagine what life without autism would be like, to have two typically developing little boys. Little league, scouts,...boy stuff. Then it hit me, why can't Luke do those things too? I am doing the very thing that I don't want others to do-limit his opportunities based on a diagnosis. Shame on me. Maybe he will, maybe not. Just have to wait and see. And before Luke came along, I still had Nathan, my precious little boy without autism, and you know, we faced plenty of challenges with him and still do. What makes me think that life without autism would somehow be challenge free? The challenges are different, some more difficult than others, but they are still there. Everyone has "something" to deal with. Autism just happens to be our "something."
The adversity that comes along with autism can be overwhelming. Some children are more affected than others. Some deal with social issues, some with behavioral problems, some with communication deficits, and some with all of the above. It is a spectrum disorder and a big spectrum it is. Luke's primary problem is his deficit with expressive communication. In school terms, Luke is a very compliant little boy. He is very receptive and understands so much, he just has trouble getting it out. We know many others on the autism road with us who have many more hurdles to go through. There was a time that I felt guilty for even thinking that our lives were tough. I saw too many other children fighting this disorder with seemingly more obstacles ahead. A sweet lady who had been in my shoes many years before told me this as I expressed my guilt to her: "Let's say you have a broken arm. You go to the ER and see another person with two broken arms. You think 'wow, they really have it bad.' Yes, they may have it bad and have a harder time than you but it doesn't mean that your broken arm doesn't hurt." I hope that makes sense. It did to me. There are those who are dealing with more difficult situations, but it doesn't mean that ours doesn't hurt too.
So, as I think about our "tough" life I realize how blessed I am. I am not trying to minimize anything and act like I have it all figured out. I just know Who is in control. Life is hard and, on this side of heaven, it will always be. I, unlike Moses, have the whole story. I may be walking in unknown territory but I know the faithfulness of God. He is true to His Word. He has revealed Himself to me and my family through the trials that we have faced. I know that I am not alone. God has given me so much to be thankful for- faith, family, life...He is changing my "Are you sure God?" to "God, I am still scared. Show me what to do. I can't do this on my own." Dependence on God is a very liberating thing. Some may say that I am using God as a crutch. You know, I do lean on Him. He never fails. I can tell you that He is the Rock on which I stand. Without Him, I have no hope. I am so thankful that He doesn't give me blessings according to my abilities or lack thereof. I would have none. He is a very gracious and loving God. That is one thing I know more and more about with every passing day.
Like I said in the beginning, this probably sounds all over the place. Sometimes it is hard to organize everything going on in my head. I hope this makes some sort of sense. All I know is that I am tired and my head feels a little less crowded now. Going to listen to tropical storm Lee pour it's torrential rain on us and call it a night. :-)
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