Happy Birthday to my favorite 4 year old!

Four years ago today, Luke came into our lives in a big way. When I say big, I mean big - all 9 pounds 6 ounces of him! Just 10 days before he was born, I had an ultrasound and at that time, he was estimated to be around 7 1/2 pounds. I remember thinking, "Great! An average size baby!" I was so excited! It sounded great to me considering Nathan was only around 2 1/2 pounds when he made his early arrival. I was so thankful for a full term baby! I wasn't expecting such a big boy though but, we have a tendency to be all or nothing here at the Broome house so I really shouldn't have been too surprised. Nothing average here. He was a beautiful baby with big cheeks, dark hair, and deep brown eyes. I was so nervous! It was like becoming a parent for the first time even though we already had big brother Nathan. We didn't get to bring Nathan home from the hospital until he was 2 1/2 months old so he was already in a routine. But with Luke, we got to bring him home with us when he was 4 days old. Much different. It was a challenge but such a blessing to have a big, happy, healthy baby. Didn't this all happen just yesterday? Time has flown by and keeps picking up speed! I want so much to slow it down so I can take it all in.

When I think about all that we have been through and the challenges we have faced (and overcome!), I can see God's hand in it all. He has blessed our family with Luke, and in some way, with autism too. Please don't get me wrong, I really don't like autism. But, I have learned so much along the way. Not just about autism and tesing and treatment, etc., but about compassion and understanding and finding joy in the seemingly small things in life. I have learned that with autism, nothing really is small: like when Luke puts his hands on my face and says "Ma" - big; or when Luke points to himself and says "Lu" - big; or when Luke makes good eye contact with others - big; or when Luke imitates his big brother - big; or when he puts two or three words together when trying to speak - big; or when Luke pretends like he is talking on the phone and wants me to play too - big; or when Luke laughs appropriately when watching a favorite show - big; or when Luke plays with his friends - big; or that Luke even has friends - really big. The little things are big and I have learned to appreciate them. Through Luke, God has taught me so much and I still have so much to learn, but I am thankful for this little guy.

Luke really is a fabulously fantastic little guy. He is loved more that he will ever know. His family loves him. His church family has been so supportive and caring. They love him too. He goes to a wonderful school with great teachers who love and care for him and his classmates. His best teacher is here at home - his sweet big brother. It is so fun to watch them play together and watch Luke try to imitate everything Nathan does. He is learning so much from Nathan! I sometimes listen to their conversation and can't help but smile. I overheard Nathan encouraging Luke one day while they were coloring at the table: "Oh, Lukey, that is great! You really color great for a 3 year old!" Big smiles :-)

Luke has a million-watt smile and dimples you could just fall in to. He has a way of getting to you (I mean that in a good way!). If I am having a particularly difficult day, he can get right in my face, put his hands on my cheeks, and say "Hi!" in his cute way and I just have to smile. His sweet hugs aren't bad either. And have you heard him laugh? Simply contagious. He truly is a gift. I can't imagine what life would be like without him.

So today, we celebrate him for the precious, unique little boy that he is. We celebrate him for all that he can do, for all the progress that he has made. We celebrate him and the hope we have for the progress to come. We thank God for this gift. I have been told, "Luke is so lucky to have you guys for his parents" but in reality, Roger and I are the ones who are blessed. Maybe Luke needs us but God knows we need him too. He has turned our world upside down and for that, I am thankful. He has changed our lives for the better. Our family is blessed beyond measure!

Happy Birthday Luke!

Merry Christmas !

It's Christmas eve!! There is much excitement around our home just as there is in many homes tonight. Nathan has been asking "How many days to Christmas, Mom?" every day this week. With all the hustle and bustle of the season, it has been so nice to have a "low key" kind of day. Nothing scheduled. Nothing that just had to be done today. Just enjoy my family.

For some reason, I thought I would run to the store to pick up a few groceries. Yes, I know I am crazy. Day before Christmas. Hustle and bustle in full swing. I braved the chaos that is Walmart this morning. Just a quick trip. (Is that even possible?) My list was short and so I proceeded, wanting to get home for my "low key" day. It didn't take long to hear grumbling and complaining in the store. As I am getting some yummy hot chocolate for tomorrow morning, I hear more than one customer complaining that the store was all out of what they needed. I was on the aisle with baking goods. Should it be a surprise that the store just might run out of those kinds of items around certain holidays? Well, they weren't happy. Kind of made me sad for them. Anyway, I made my way through the store, checked out, and made it home. Ahhhh....

I started thinking about Christmas, and without a doubt, the only reason we have to celebrate the season is Jesus. My Savior descended from the glory of heaven to be born of a virgin, live a sinless life, die on the cross for my sins and rise again, all to fulfill God's magnificent plan to save His people. How we have strayed so far from the awe of this miracle only to get the latest toy or more gifts than we know what to do with and stress ourselves in the process. I love Christmas. I love getting together with family. I love gift giving. In a society that focuses on political correctness (holiday tree? really?), the shopping season, and how it will affect the economy, I don't want to lose focus. I want my kids to know that gifts are not a bad thing, it is when they become the priority that is the problem. That can be quite a challenge when so many people ask them, "What's Santa going to bring you?" I want so much to show them Christ all the time, but especially this time of year.

So, what do I do? Rewind a few hours before all of this. I wake up on this Christmas eve and could have been in a glorious mood, but instead, I didn't feel so great and I chose the awful mood, in serious need of an attitude adjustment. Mommy needed some time. I went for a run to clear my head and just pray. (Oh, what a difference prayer makes! It was much needed.) I was in a foul mood before and God gave me some perspective. If anyone had reason to complain it was Mary - 9 months pregnant and riding on a donkey to go register with Joseph for the census only to give birth in a dirty stable. Perspective. I probably sounded like those unhappy customers at Walmart. I have no reason to grumble. I know what I am celebrating and I wasn't exactly focussing on Christ. I was being quite selfish. I needed perspective. God is so good to give us what we need when we need it!

This Christmas, I am so grateful for Jesus and the miracle that He has accomplished in His incarnation. My gifts include a godly, loving husband; a sweet, thoughtful Nathan; a precious, funny Luke, who has made tremendous progress in his communication skills and really in all areas. Nathan is at a wonderful christian school and has a fantastic teacher. Luke is at a great school that is making a difference in his life and ours in dealing with autism. I am so blessed that I could not possibly list all my gifts. They are too numerous. They are priceless.

Tomorrow morning, the boys will receive presents, not because they have been good or bad or haven't pouted or cried (for goodness sake), but because we have been blessed and we love them. They will be excited to see what is under the tree. I will be excited to see them open their gifts. People celebrate this holiday in many different ways, but I want them to know that the greatest gift was born 2000 years ago and that is what we celebrate. I pray that they don't become consumed with getting things but become consumed with Christ. I hope that Christ is what they see in our lives and remember when they think about Christmas.

I will close with a sweet poem that Nathan learned at school. I was reminded of it today when a friend posted it on Facebook (thanks April S.)

What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would give Him a lamb.
If I were a wise man, I would do my part-
Yet what can I give Him? Give Him my heart.

Christina Rosetti

God has truly given us the greatest Gift! May you all have a blessed Christmas as we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ!

In Everything Give Thanks

"In everything give thanks..." First Thessalonians 5:18. That verse is on the wall in my dining area. This is the time of year that we set aside for giving thanks. It is not so hard to do when you give it a little thought and things are going well. I have so much to be thankful for in my life...a gracious Heavenly Father, salvation in Christ, a loving husband, two precious boys, freedom, a home, food, clothing...the list could go on and on. I am blessed beyond measure.

Last week, both Nathan and Luke were in Thanksgiving programs at their schools. Nathan's program was so sweet. I couldn't have been more proud of him. He was so nervous because he had to tell about something he is thankful for and he had to do so in front of a room full of people. Once it came his turn to speak, he did great! Not even a hint of nervousness in his voice. And what he said brought a big smile to my face. He said, " Good morning. My name is Nathan and I am thankful for my brother playing with me." There was a time when Luke didn't play with Nathan, or anyone else for that matter. He was content to play by himself. He didn't know how to interact and play with his peers. He has made so much progress and now Nathan has a "little buddy" to play with. He came up with what he was going to say all by himself. He could have said his favorite friend, or food, or toy. Any of these would have been fine. But, he recognizes Luke's progress and is thankful for his brother. I am thankful too! He is a compassionate big brother!

Luke's program was special too. The three classes joined together to sing a few songs in front of many smiling faces. As I have said in a past post, I think these programs are as much for the parents as they are for the kids. It is so nice to see Luke participate in something that other kids do. The kids followed their teacher's direction, stood in front of a crowd, sang, and did movements to the songs. This is not always easy with typical kids, much less kids with special needs. Although Luke couldn't sing all the words, he could do some of the movements and he didn't run to me when he saw me but stayed with his class until it was time to sit with me. That is pretty big. It is encouraging to see his progress, up on stage, just being a kid with his friends. He "fit in." It was nice.

It is easy to be thankful when it's all good and things are going smoothly. But, First Thessalonians 5:18 says "In everything give thanks..." EVERYTHING. Not just when it's all good. That is not always easy. As I look back over the year, I can't say that I have always been thankful. I have whined. I have complained. I have thrown pity parties. I have wished everything was easier. I wanted autism to go away. I wanted to wake up from a dream and everything be better. I wanted to know the answers to the hard questions. I have been selfish. I have gone my own way at times and made many mistakes. I have much too often been anything but thankful. But this year, more than ever, I have so much to be thankful for. Even autism. Yea, sounds weird. (See previous post on "It's a Love-Don't Love kinda thing" (5-18-11) for a better explanation.) God has opened many doors, even as it relates to increasing autism awareness. He has stunned me with His love, forgiveness, and mercy. His grace has truly amazed me. I so often take for granted the blessings that He has given me. Even in difficult times, He has gone before me and used these challenges in a mighty way. It's so hard to be thankful in the midst of adversity. I can tell you, it is impossible without the hope that is found in Christ. I am so very thankful for the hope I have in Him. I know that nothing comes into my life or the lives of my family members that has not first been filtered through my Heavenly Father's loving hands. I know He has a purpose for it all. (Romans 8:28). I can be thankful for that. I am glad I don't know what the future holds, but I am glad that I know Who holds the future. (Jeremiah 29:11). I can be thankful for that too. I want thanksgiving to be a characteristic of my life, not just a holiday I celebrate once a year.

There is an old song that is called "Thank you Lord for your blessings on me" that I remember from childhood. I haven't heard it in a long time. Some of the words : "There's a roof up above me. I've a good place to sleep. There's food on my table and shoes on my feet. You gave me your love Lord and a fine family. Thank you Lord, for your blessings on me."

I have been abundantly blessed. Thank you Lord for your blessings on me.

God's grace and Nathan Broome

Today, I want to tell you a little more about my "typical" child, Nathan. Six years ago, he came into the world in a "not-so-typical" way and every time I think of it, I am reminded of what a miracle he is and how good God is everyday. He really is in the details.

On October 31, 2005, a Monday, I went to work like I did every other Monday. At the time, I worked at a local hospital as an occupational therapist. I was 26 weeks 4 days into my pregnancy. I didn't feel great that morning, but none of my mornings felt that great. (You see, I wasn't one of those cute pregnant women with the basketball in front. No, I carried it all over. I waddled. I was tired all of the time. Every joint hurt. Just thought that was how pregnant women felt.) My intentions that day were to finish my caseload at the hospital, then see a couple of home health patients in the afternoon. That morning, I was moving around slower than usual. I was having some mild low back discomfort, but nothing big, or so I thought. By lunch time, I was so tired and just wanted to find a mat in the rehab gym to lie down on for a little while. I remember having to call my home health patients and reschedule them for later in the afternoon because I was not finished at the hospital. A co-worker even offered to stay for me so I could go home and rest. I told her I would be fine. As I was trying to rest, my fellow therapists were growing concerned about me. I called the doctor around 12:30 to get an appointment but they couldn't see me until 2:00 pm. I tried to rest but just felt awful so my boss ended up taking me via wheelchair to my doctor's office so I could maybe get in earlier than planned. The office was in a building connected to the hospital so it only took a few minutes to get there, but by the time we arrived, I was starting to have serious pain. It was 1:30 p.m. The nurses heard me crying in the waiting area and got me back to a room. They had a hard time finding a doctor because it was their lunch hour and they were either rounding or in surgery. Finally, they found a doctor. He checked me and I remember him saying something about the baby's head. He told me I was going to have a baby very soon. What?

In a storyline that could have been an "ER" episode, they couldn't find a stretcher so they picked me up, put me in a wheelchair, told me not to push (uh...impossible) and ran with me down the hall toward the hospital with the doctor running in front of us. He was on his cell phone talking to the 7th floor, telling them to get a surgery room ready and call a neonatologist. My boss was still with me, running along side while on my cell phone calling my husband, who worked 40 minutes away in Mississippi, to tell him I was in labor and come to the hospital quickly. When I get to the room, there were already several people there waiting on me. They lifted me onto a table and told me not to push. Yea, right. Tried but that didn't work. One nurse was coaching me on how to breathe while putting papers in front of me to sign for admittance to the hospital. I was in shock. Could he survive? Would I survive? How did this happen? Will I see Roger again? Every time the door opened, I looked to see if it was Roger all while the nurse was trying to get me to focus...breathe...push...It only took 3 or 4 pushes and my little boy was born. He cried and it was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. He weighed 2 pounds 6 ounces and was 14 1/4 inches long. It was 2:30 in the afternoon. They immediately started working on him while awaiting the ambulance and team from the local children's hospital who would take him to the NICU.

The nurse took me in to a regular room and my husband soon arrived. We were both a little in disbelief. This was our first child and we certainly weren't expecting this. (We were scheduled for our child birth class a couple of weeks from then. This wasn't the right order!) The transport team wheeled our little guy into the room so we could see him - 2-3 minutes at most. Ten little fingers and ten tiny toes. He even had a little hair on his head. I could already see that he had a cowlick! He was amazing. So perfect. We tried to take it all in for the short time he was there. We had never seen someone so small. And he was ours. Hard to comprehend at the time. Then they had to take him away. The neonatologist arrived to tell us what to expect during our NICU stay. We had no idea what a roller coaster ride we were in for. Our sweet baby was soon on his way to a new place and we were still there trying to wrap our minds around it all.

We named him Nathan Grant. Nathan means "gift from God." He is exactly that. He spent the next 2 1/2 months in the NICU. It was an incredibly difficult time. He battled a serious bowel infection while there called necrotizing enterocolotis which we thought might take his life. He was so sick. It was so hard to watch him go through this. Surgeons rounded on him daily to assess whether or not to remove part of his intestines. Difficult really isn't adequate to describe what we went through.

But God....I love those words. But God spared his life. God worked in amazing ways through our circumstances. He healed our little boy and surgery was not necessary. Nathan had the most minor of intracranial hemorrhages (hemorrhaging is common in preemies) - which resolved, and even his retinopathy was the mildest it could possibly be. God's hand was on every detail of his life. We were blessed to bring Nathan home on January 13, 2006, 2 1/2 weeks before his original due date. He weighed 5 pounds 14 ounces when we he was discharged from the hospital.

He is a miracle in our lives. God was so gracious in sending us this little boy. Nathan is a tremendous blessing. His only delays are in speech but he has received speech therapy since he was 2 1/2 years old and he has almost overcome these deficits! All praise to God! He is an active, imaginative, and creative little boy. I couldn't imagine life without him.

God was so evident in the events of October 31, 2005 and the many days and weeks that followed while in the hospital. He continues to amaze me. The fact that I worked in the hospital that was connected to my doctor's office building...The fact that I could have gone home at lunch instead of staying at the hospital, but I didn't...The fact that I was supposed to be at a patient's home for his therapy at the time I went into labor, but I wasn't...quite possibly saved our lives. The outcome could have been so different. God worked in and through that experience. My faith was strengthened as I watched it all unfold. His grace, power, and mercy were on full display. And I am so thankful. My prayer is that my precious gift from God will grow into a young man who loves the Lord, fears the Lord, and serves Him faithfully. I pray that He will continue to work in and through Nathan. May God receive the glory for it all!

Happy Birthday my sweet Nathan!

A busy October and some really great kids

I am so far behind on my blogging. It seems as though life is moving at warp speed since school began. There are so many things going on in my life right now! I guess I had just forgotten how busy October is.

Earlier in the month, Roger and I were able to go to the Alabama/ Vanderbilt game in Tuscaloosa for homecoming. It was so much fun! We had a blast. First, Alabama won, so that was great. Second, it was Roger's first Bama game and he loved it. Most importantly, it was an opportunity for us to get away together for a night, which was much needed and enjoyed!

Last weekend, I had an opportunity to go back to my hometown, Hanceville, Alabama, and visit with high school friends at our school's homecoming. It was fun and so good to see how everyone is doing these days, how we have changed, how we have not changed. Lots of reminiscing. It was a "pre-reunion" so to speak. Our 20th high school reunion is next year (wow! we are old!). Looking forward to seeing even more friends then.

Nathan's kindergarten class is busy too. Next week, he gets to go on a field trip to a pumpkin patch with his class. He is so excited and I know it will be fun. His class also has Nursery Rhyme Day. Nathan has chosen "Humpty Dumpty" for his rhyme so I am trying to get something together to make him look like an egg. His only request is that I don't make him look like a cracked egg! Apparently, the thought of the fall off of that wall doesn't set well with him. I told him that even if I made him look cracked, it wouldn't hurt. No use though. No scrambling. A whole Humpty Dumpty he will be.

Today, Luke got to go on his first field trip of the year with his preschool class at Little Tree. I want to say a big thank you to Scott Parks and the students of Project Outreach at Spanish Fort High School for making it all possible. Project Outreach is a group of high school students who have an interest in working with special needs kids. They have a heart for them too. From the moment we arrived, they welcomed the kids and really worked to engage the kids in all the activities. They all had a great time. I really appreciate the time and effort that they put into making this day happen for our kids - kids that they don't know, kids that may not understand what is going on, kids that may not be able to verbalize anything to them. Yet, they didn't stop trying to talk to the kids or trying to get to know them. They wanted the kids to have a great time. A fun day was had by all. It takes a lot of work to put something like this together and to see the number of young people there with an interest in helping these kids, my son included, was so encouraging. So much of what I see in the news about teens is negative. That is why I wanted to take the time to write this. These young women and men are reaching out beyond themselves to learn about and care about those who are different, those who have special needs. They aren't self absorbed, "me first" kind of kids but rather kind, caring, and sincere young adults who want to make a difference in people's lives. I wish there were more programs out there like this in our schools. Bullying is a problems in schools, especially with autistic students as the targets. Programs such as this one could go a long way in decreasing bullying and breaking down stereotypes that people with disabilities are somehow not capable. Sure, some things are out of reach, but there is so much they can do. There is so much they can offer. Get to know someone with autism or down's syndrome or CP or anything and your life will be richer for it. Disability or not, we are all human and when we see each other as just that, the differences don't matter quite so much. I hope these are the kinds of kids that my son will one day have the privilege of calling "friends."

So, kuddos to Mr. Parks and his students. Thanks you for your time and effort to put it all together. Even more, thank you for caring. Thank you for seeing our kids as kids, not disabilities. The world is a little nicer place because of programs like Project Outreach and the special people that are a part of it.

So blessed....but still another reminder

The boys are involved in program at church called AWANA. AWANA stands for "Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed" and it comes from 2 Timothy 2:15 which states "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth." It is a wonderful program that encourages scripture memory and teaches about God, His Word, and missions. Nathan is in Sparks which is for kindergarten through 2nd grade and Luke is in Cubbies for 3 and 4 year olds. It is amazing the amount of scripture that they can learn at this age. I love it!

Although Luke is old enough for Cubbies, Roger and I contemplated holding him back, simply because he cannnot recite the verses. His communication is still limited. But receptively , he gets it. He understands so much. We didn't want to limit what he could learn, especially God's Word, just because he could not say it yet. We are blessed to have wonderful workers in AWANA. The Cubbies workers are fantastic. They are loving, caring people who have a heart for the children and instilling God's Word in their hearts. So I am glad we chose to let Luke be a Cubbie this year. I know it will only benefit him.

Last night was parents night at Cubbies. I was hesitant to go as I was afraid I might be a distraction for Luke. I should have went with my instinct. Despite the many remarks we have received that Luke has been a great little Cubbie, listening and attentive, last night he was anything but that. He moved around almost constantly, was more vocal and more disruptive. It was like wrestling a little bear cub! During Bible verse time, he did not want to sit but rather tried to rummage through my purse to get my iPhone so he could find his favorite app. I was constatnly trying to redirect him without causing more distraction. It was difficult for me. I didn't want him to disrupt the others just because I was there and yet, if I had left, it would have probably caused a bigger problem because he was used to me being there. The workers assured me that he never acts this way when I am not there. I am so glad! By the end of the night, I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

It was a hard night for me. I was so excited to see all that he is learning in Cubbies. It is a great program. The kids are precious and are like sponges, soaking up these life giving words. I know Luke is gaining from this but it was still tough. I am so glad that he is able to be a part of the class and be around his typically developing peers without being too much of a distraction. But at the same time, it was hard for me to see him with all of his peers. You see, sometimes I forget about the autism. Sounds crazy, I know. But, it is true. When we are at home or around family, this is our norm. Differences aren't so notable. But when he is with his friends, his deficits are very obvious. And, at this age, friends are starting to notice that he is different. I am so glad that he doesn't know that he is different. There are so many reasons you want your child to stand out in the crowd, like being one of character, integrity, dependability... but standing out because they act a little different and can't talk isn't one of them. That is how last night hit me. My heart was heavy for my son. Oh, how I want him to be like his friends. What I wouldn't give to hear him talk like them and do the things they are able to do.

I don't want to sound like a pity party. I have been known to have those. I am so grateful for that little boy. He is more than precious to me and he brings our family joy every day. It's just hard sometimes when I am reminded of how he is different than others. I know God has great things in store for Luke. God created him . He is fearfully and wonderfully made. I know this. God will work in him for Luke's good and His own glory. I believe that wholeheartedly because it is in God's Word. I know all these things but somtimes, it is just hard to see so clearly the challenges facing your child. My prayer is that as we walk through life, one day at a time, we will be mindful of all the wonderful blessings and abilities Luke has, not focus on what he can't do right now. We pray that the verses that we talk to Luke about will be hidden in his precious heart and God will use them in a mighty way to work in Luke's life and reach others for Him.

Lots of rain and lots of thinking

Labor Day weekend is here. Tropical Storm Lee is visiting and raining on everything. My mind has chosen now to go into overdrive. I have been thinking. It is kind of quiet right now so I can actually do that. But, if this sounds a little all over the place, well, that is sometimes how my thinking goes. More often than I would like, I find myself thinking about this whole autism thing. I can't imagine why...

When this diagnosis became a part of our family, I never really felt compelled to cry out to God "why Luke, why us?" I am not saying that to pat myself on the back. Not at all. When my questions finally came, they were more like "Are you sure God? This is scary. You think Roger and I can handle this?" Maybe a little like Moses. (Yes, I know it is a stretch.) I can just hear him say "God, are you sure you want ME to lead your people out of captivity? But, I have this speech problem." I know Roger and I don't have to lead throngs of people to the Promised Land but the task we face seems monumental. Our goal is not to "fix" Luke because he is not broken. Autism is just apart of who he is. We want to help him learn and grow into the little boy God created him to be.

Parenting in and of itself is a big deal. Period. Throw in autism or really anything else and it just seems that much harder. I have tried to imagine what life without autism would be like, to have two typically developing little boys. Little league, scouts,...boy stuff. Then it hit me, why can't Luke do those things too? I am doing the very thing that I don't want others to do-limit his opportunities based on a diagnosis. Shame on me. Maybe he will, maybe not. Just have to wait and see. And before Luke came along, I still had Nathan, my precious little boy without autism, and you know, we faced plenty of challenges with him and still do. What makes me think that life without autism would somehow be challenge free? The challenges are different, some more difficult than others, but they are still there. Everyone has "something" to deal with. Autism just happens to be our "something."

The adversity that comes along with autism can be overwhelming. Some children are more affected than others. Some deal with social issues, some with behavioral problems, some with communication deficits, and some with all of the above. It is a spectrum disorder and a big spectrum it is. Luke's primary problem is his deficit with expressive communication. In school terms, Luke is a very compliant little boy. He is very receptive and understands so much, he just has trouble getting it out. We know many others on the autism road with us who have many more hurdles to go through. There was a time that I felt guilty for even thinking that our lives were tough. I saw too many other children fighting this disorder with seemingly more obstacles ahead. A sweet lady who had been in my shoes many years before told me this as I expressed my guilt to her: "Let's say you have a broken arm. You go to the ER and see another person with two broken arms. You think 'wow, they really have it bad.' Yes, they may have it bad and have a harder time than you but it doesn't mean that your broken arm doesn't hurt." I hope that makes sense. It did to me. There are those who are dealing with more difficult situations, but it doesn't mean that ours doesn't hurt too.

So, as I think about our "tough" life I realize how blessed I am. I am not trying to minimize anything and act like I have it all figured out. I just know Who is in control. Life is hard and, on this side of heaven, it will always be. I, unlike Moses, have the whole story. I may be walking in unknown territory but I know the faithfulness of God. He is true to His Word. He has revealed Himself to me and my family through the trials that we have faced. I know that I am not alone. God has given me so much to be thankful for- faith, family, life...He is changing my "Are you sure God?" to "God, I am still scared. Show me what to do. I can't do this on my own." Dependence on God is a very liberating thing. Some may say that I am using God as a crutch. You know, I do lean on Him. He never fails. I can tell you that He is the Rock on which I stand. Without Him, I have no hope. I am so thankful that He doesn't give me blessings according to my abilities or lack thereof. I would have none. He is a very gracious and loving God. That is one thing I know more and more about with every passing day.

Like I said in the beginning, this probably sounds all over the place. Sometimes it is hard to organize everything going on in my head. I hope this makes some sort of sense. All I know is that I am tired and my head feels a little less crowded now. Going to listen to tropical storm Lee pour it's torrential rain on us and call it a night. :-)