Seven and a half years ago, I became a mother. I had no idea how it would change me. Of course, I knew that I would have a little one to care for and my responsibilities would increase ten-fold. I knew that there would be nights with little to no sleep. I knew that spit-up would become a new part of my wardrobe. I knew that toys would be everywhere. I even knew that my voice would somehow change and baby-talk would come out from time to time, irritating those around me. I knew that I would fall in love all over again too. But I had no idea how much it would truly affect me. I didn't know the special love that I would have for my boys which even now makes my heart feel as though it could burst. I didn't know how painful it would be to hear "Your son has autism." I am glad I didn't know exactly what awaited me when this journey began. To describe it in a word is impossible. I would just say it has been everything....every emotion intensified. Joy. Sadness. Success. Struggle. Pain. Peace. Confusion. Happiness. Worry. Rest. Love, lots of love. And more....
Motherhood has been the most wonderful, hardest, best, most humbling job ever. But, it is also my very favorite. God blessed me with two beautiful boys that fill my life with love. Before I became a mom, I had all these ideas of how it would be. My child would be so good and do things just right and would just be, well, perfect. Why would I even think that? Of course, because his mom (me) would be amazing!! Yes, I was naive (stupid!). Didn't even to take into account that I would have a precious little sinner as my child and that I am a seasoned sinner myself. I didn't do things perfectly, why would I even think that my children would do any different? I had NO idea how hard it would be to be a mother. The ideas I had were almost funny. I didn't know that I didn't know. But, I learned quickly and I continue to learn. I was focused on having a child that behaved. I wasn't even considering that having a child that was outwardly "good" was not my ultimate goal. You can teach a child to perform a behavior, and that is okay. But, I want a child that behaves because of a heart desire to serve the Lord. That is different. And that is something that is a challenge to teach as well. It is something that has to be lived out daily. It has to be demonstrated and taught. That is where I come in --seasoned sinner saved by the grace of God. An imperfect mother pointing her boys to a perfect God. Living the gospel out daily. Needing God's grace as much as needing to show her boys their need of it. I am not out for their behavior, I am out for their heart. And I can only do that with the strength that God provides and His grace and mercy to draw them to Him. I can love them, pray for them and teach them, but I cannot save them. That is something only God can do.
my sweet Luke
So, what do I know? That being a mother, a parent, is day by day, on the job training. It is unpredictable and indescribable. It is more that I anticipated. It has made me stronger and driven me to my knees. Maybe I am stronger because it has driven me to my knees in prayer. I didn't anticipate the struggles that my children would face. Autism and learning issues are not life threatening problems, however, they have hit me hard. I didn't anticipate the struggles but they are a part of life. Everyone has them, they just look different in each family. For me: I was reminded that I am not in control
(Psalm 139). I learned that I struggle with worry even though I am to be "anxious for nothing", and His peace will guard my heart and mind
(Philippians 4:6-7). I learned that when I trust Him, pray for His wisdom and not "lean on my own understanding", He will direct my path
(Proverbs 3:5-6). I learned that I am not alone and I never will be
(Deuteronomy 31:8; Joshua 1:9). God has shown me such grace and mercy and I want to show that to my boys. I wish I could say that I have done that perfectly...that I have always spoke with a gentle spirit or always disciplined in love and not frustration. I can't say I have done that. Instead, I have had many opportunities to admit when I have been wrong and ask for forgiveness from my children. My prayer is that I will show them God's love, which includes the mercy and forgiveness that God has lavished on me. My hope and prayer is that I will point them to the Lord in my words and through my life so that they will see my heavenly Father, the perfect parent who does all things well...who never disappoints...who loves beyond what we can even imagine.
my big boy Nathan
I have made more mistakes as a mother than I will ever be able to count. I know that I will make many more, even though I will try otherwise. Not to scare off any prospective parents out there....the benefits of being a mom are awesome! I, along with my husband, have somehow acquired semi-super hero status - and I say "semi" because I cannot fly or leap tall buildings in a single bound. I can kiss bo-bo's and make even the worst cut or scrape feel better. I can give great hugs (and the hugs I get in return are fantastically sweet!). I can make them both belly laugh and I am getting pretty good at basketball and baseball. I love to hear Nathan ask for another hug at bedtime or Luke ask "Will you read me night-night story please?" Even when I am extra tired, I never regret granting those requests :) It is so fulfilling to see them learn something new or do well on anything. I love to be their cheerleader and encourage them along the way. It seems as though the size of my heart has grown exponentially as my love for them does the same. I think it gives us an idea of the love that God has for us. He gave His Son for us. What an amazing amount of love! Being a mother has given me just a glimpse into a love like no other.
angry birds at rest
My experience at motherhood has been shaped by my own mother. She has been such a blessing to me. She sacrificed for me more than I realized. She was always there...every late night of studying, every teacher conference, music recital, cheerleader tryout, sporting event....you name it. She has been the best role model for me. She has loved me when I have been unlovable. She has taught me and demonstrated incredible grace throughout my life. She has always pointed me to the Lord. My mother has been my example of what a godly wife and mother should be. She has loved my dad so sweetly in the things she does for him everyday and she loves the Lord. She simply has enjoyed being a wife and a mom. I have never heard her complain. She has always been an encouragement to me. She used to remind me of
Philippians 4:13 every morning on the way to school :
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." If I was nervous about a test or presentation, that verse would always come to mind. Now, I find myself sharing this same verse with Nathan when we ride to school. I am so blessed to have a mom like this. She is precious to me. I am so thankful for her and I pray that I can be that kind of example to Roger and the boys that she has been to me. God is good and I am blessed!
my mom and dad
me and my sweet Roger
So, Happy Mother's Day! I am going to go hug my boys now :)
