Well, it's been almost a month since my last blog. Life is so busy and finding time to write, especially lately, has been basically impossible. Yes, there are those hours between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. but I prefer to sleep when I can.
The past couple of weeks have been nice because I have gotten to spend a little more time with my big boy, Nathan. Last week, he missed a couple of days of school because of fever, so I got some cuddle time in with him. Those moments are slowly getting fewer and farther between so I enjoy them when I can. This week his school was out for a couple of days because of a teacher conference. We have had some fun times together. Unfortunately, I have been a little under the weather this week but we still managed to have some fun. We went to the Gulf Coast Exploreum yesterday and saw the Megalodon exhibit. Pretty cool. That was one big shark! Up to 60 feet long! We talked about the possibility that Jonah might have spent some time in the belly of that big creature. Fun to wonder anyway. We had a lunch date where he told me all about his friends and school. I loved listening to him tell me in detail who was the best at running, basketball, coloring, and reading in his class. I so enjoyed my time with him. I really try to make an effort to just focus on him when we have the chance, whether it is a fun outing like the exploreum or just us at home sitting at the table reading or coloring together. I need him to know how much he means to me. I treasure this time with him.
So often, I feel guilty because of the time and attention that Luke needs. I feel like it is a sacrifice on his part and maybe in some sense that can be a good thing, but in another sense, I don't know how much a 6 year old can comprehend about sacrifice when I know that he has needs of his own. He probably understands more than I give him credit for and yet, I still feel guilty. He and I have had our conversations about autism. He knows that Luke needs his special school and he needs therapy. But it is hard when, so often, people that approach us ask how Luke is doing but not necessarily how Nathan is doing. I don't know what goes on in his mind during these conversations. Sometimes he can tell me, other times words are hard to find. Last week, we started talking about the upcoming Walk for Autism in April and how we will start organizing our team soon. Last year, Nathan asked me "When will there be a Team Nathan?" That was hard to hear but gave me a look into his thoughts on all that is going on. So much focus is on Luke. So, this year I considered changing the team name and asked for his input. We talked about "Team Broome" since it is a family event and affects us all. He thought about it then told me that he liked "Team Luke". His only request was that he could have his name on the back of the shirt again. I told him I would make it as big as he wanted it to be :-). I can definitely do that! But then, he said " I wish I had autism." This is the first time I have heard him say this. My heart sank. I fought back tears and reitereated how important he is to me and our family. I told him how grateful to God I am for him and that I am glad he doesn't have autism. I tried to tell him that he was fearfully and wonderfully made by a loving God who has given him many gifts and talents. How I want to make him understand but I know this is a process that may take some time and I am so impatient.
It is at these times that I question my balancing act. Have I done enough to let him know what he means to me? Am I doing enough? How do I help him understand? How do I protect him and yet enable him to grow into the little boy God created him to be? It's so hard. Balancing is hard. My tight rope feels like it is narrowing. How I pray for wisdom to walk and balance so that the boys can see God in my life and see how much Roger and I love them both. Luke has special needs but Nathan's needs are no less special, just different. He is precious and such a good big brother to Luke. I think, most of the time, he likes being Luke's teacher in addition to being his big brother. He is so good at it. I love the compassion and understanding that is being cultivated in his heart. My prayer is that I can be what they need me to be. I know that just as the weightiness of parenting grows with each passing day, so does my love for them. I am so glad I don't have to do this balancing act on my own. Not only do I have a loving, supportive husband, most importantly, I have a loving heavenly Father who promises to never leave me or forsake me. So thankful for God and His promises. I depend on them and can rest at night because I know His mercies are new every morning. Looking forward to a new day and new opportunities to show all my boys (Roger included) God's love as I lean on Him who is more than able to help me balance it all.
